Author: PTKT

Focus

One of the only good things about enduring boat loads of trauma in my 32 years is my ability to think clearly during a crisis. After whatever crisis my body goes haywire lol, but in the middle of it I’m calm, clear headed, and quick thinking. It’s very beneficial for parenting and dealing with various injuries, but it’s also beneficial for being able to help others.

A coworker of mine has a medical condition that causes loss of consciousness and seizures every once and a while. She’s had a few incidents at work before, but I’ve never been there to witness it until last night.

I’m pretty proud of my crew overall honestly. Everyone reacted really well. No one really panicked, and we managed to shut the restaurant down in a few minutes to give the EMTs room to work. Everyone did exactly what they needed to do and we used our teamwork skills to accomplish it as quickly as possible. One person called her family, one person called 911 and myself and two other team members rolled her onto her side and protected her head as best as we could during her convulsions without restricting her movements.

She’s not a small person height wise and fell sideways in the kitchen basically pinned between the boards where we make the orders and the stand up freezers where we store the ingredients to make the orders. It’s about a four foot hallway-ish space and she is a 6ft plus person. The other person helping man the boards who’s shorter than I am managed to catch her before she hit the floor which was quite an impressive feat.

She’s doing well. She came out of the seizure and other than the underlying condition I’m not aware of anything else that really triggered the incident so all things considered it ended well.

I’ve worked in food service for a long time, and I’ve encountered a millionty different emergencies. This one was handled by far the best by the entire crew. Front of house and back of house staff. There wasn’t any “BUT SALES WTF?!” from the upper management, and no one even hesitated to close early to assist our fallen team member. AND once it was all said and done and the EMTs arrived my team stepped back and went right back to task like we handled emergencies as part of our normal routine every day. A few hugs were exchanged, a few stress tears were shed, we paused to check in with everyone; then we picked up and finished our jobs.

This is why I love my job. It doesn’t have anything to do with what I actually spend my days with. It’s who I spend my days with. My entire team is on it at all times. Our priorities are the people who man the various restaurant positions before sales and as a bonus of taking care of our team we’re killing our sales goals, but that’s not our main focus and that makes all the difference.

Forgot to mention this earlier…

I made one phone call and took my own ass down to the local office in 2009 and took care of everything to do with my other past mistakes. I didn’t even need help from my dad… *ahem* to take responsibility for myself. That’s been done before I ever started to come to terms with the rape and abuse I endured with your husband.

It’s not in my book because my editor thought it distracted from the bigger story of overcoming the abuse. I’m not hiding from it and I don’t blog about it because ITS NOT HERE BOTHERING ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. It’s been done for ages and it rarely crosses my mind anymore.

He’s in California last time I heard by the way. We bumped into one another at Meijer a few years back before he moved. The conversation was very civil for a big alleged menace in my life. Everyone else moved up to Chicago, out to Montana or back to New York so it would take a hell of a lot of effort for them to trek back to Ohio just to egg my apartment or slash my tire. Much more effort than the almost 40 year old man child living just a few minutes away.

And you would think if someone else was really after me or really wanted money for something and they put all the effort, time and travel into getting to Ohio that they would have at least made sure they got some money before they left. But all my electronics, most of my prescriptions, debit cards, credit cards, all of that wasn’t even touched during the break in.

Damn, there’s that logic making an appearance again. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BUT… a lot like my memory repression, denial can be a bitch of a coping mechanism to overcome. So there’s no point to argue about this anymore. I know I already ended my long ass vlog with that; then came back with this. This is more for my own records though. Idgaf if you read or respond to it as long as the Vandalism Fairy doesn’t pay me a visit in the next few months.

For realz now. Lol. Nothing left to say. 😴😴😴

Simple Syrup

In an effort to cut back on my frivolous spending I decided to buy some flavored syrups and make my coffee at home vs buying it all the time. I bought little dispensers and made the entire adventure really cute and mindful etc etc etc.

The boys watched me fill the dispensers and place them where I thought they would be out of reach. This was my first mistake… two days later I walk into the kitchen to find most of my syrup spilled all over the floor and two very sticky three year olds. One dispenser was still mostly full so I put it back on the counter and forgot about it until I went to make my drink this morning.

Champ, my youngest, was standing right next to me as I pulled the syrup out and put my usual “pumps” into the cup before filling it with coffee. I stirred it around and took a sip, but I couldn’t taste the syrup so I poured a little bit more in and received the same result. As I was doing this Champ started to giggle.

Hearing his sly little giggle made me turn from my coffee to my son and ask: “Champ, is this water?” Before pulling the pump out to get a taste of the “syrup” itself.

He laughed his adorable little HAHAHAHAHAH laugh and replied: “Yes.”

My not even four year old genius child replaced my syrup with water so he wouldn’t get in trouble for drinking it. 🤦🏻‍♀️ HE’S NOT EVEN FOUR YEARS OLD YET. How he already possesses the capacity to problem solve in that way I have no idea. I just know I’m in trouble if he can already be so sneaky.

Boxes

One of the best skills I’ve mastered in recent years after beginning my EMDR is the ability to compartmentalize my emotions. Instead of having everything explode and fester indefinitely, I’m able to feel them and then pack them up and put them away.

Fighting with my ex or his wife is entirely pointless. I’m aware of how pointless it actually is, and yet I choose to engage with them at certain intervals to keep them away from my family. It seems a bit counter intuitive to engage with their bullshit to keep them away, yes, I know but this is just what I’ve learned over the course of this 12/13ish year battle.

When they can take my blog and parade it around for their own validation it satisfies them for the moment. I might look foolish, but that’s really what they want. They want to use my emotions and reactions against me. Sometimes I give them what they want. In the past it was indefinite, now it lasts only for a moment before packing it away and living the rest of my life.

Even Hubs has noticed how much of a change I’ve made recently. Even just two years ago if I had a pissing contest with my ex it would have sent me into a dark emotional spiral for several days if not weeks and required an appointment with my therapist. It would have triggered flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and I would have had to really try to crawl out of it.

This time? I wrote my response to appease him in five minutes after I got home from work, took a deep breath, shook it off and spent the rest of the evening outside playing with my kids. I got to watch my daughter ride her bike without training wheels for the first time, play ball with my son, and enjoy a hotdog on a blanket in the grass with all of the kiddos for an impromptu back yard picnic.

Hubs and I watched a movie, laughed together about my ex and his antics; and went to bed. This is the first time I’ve really revisited the entire thing. My usual allotted “free writing time” in between work, school, kids and everything else.

It’s a huge personal victory in all honesty, and I’m damn proud of myself for reaching this point. There is a little bit of guilt/uncertainty about engaging with my ex at all. Right now it seems like the best solution, even though I’m aware that in most ways it contributes to the overall problem. It’s like a choosing between a bullet or poison. Both of them will kill you, but one is faster than the other. Right now I’m opting for poison until I can find another solution that doesn’t require me giving in to his demands, or sacrificing the safety of my family.

It is what it is for now, and I’m putting it back in the box until we fight again. Surely there is some other gullible rube out there he can swoon with his bullshit who’s reactions will have a sweeter taste than my own.

Here We Go

Boy you two really need to talk before you post stuff conflicting one another’s version of events. She’s the one who tried to claim your parents gave you an alibi. Public post. December 2018. I have the screen shot. Go look. I never had any issues with your parents while we lived in the apartment, nor did I ever approach them when I saw them out in town BECAUSE I RESPECT THEM AND THEIR PRIVACY. Of *course* they don’t care or remember three years later. That’s the entire point!! You are being completely ridiculous.

We do this every year. Your wife gets on my nerves, I tell her off, she gets upset; then gets you all wound up and pissed off at me for calling her out and then you do stupid impulsive things to get me back and defend her honor. 🤦🏻‍♀️ If you actually read what I wrote last month, you’ll see that is *exactly* what I already said.

Also… I already took care of my other debts years ago. Nice deflection, but I still believe my kid. She’d never seen you before and she picks you out of a line up every damn time. Even the old ass picture I found of us at Christmas: she knew. If it wasn’t you in my apartment, I guess you have an Uzbek clone with a matching mole. Which isn’t actually hidden by the beard btw. Obscured, maybe but not hidden.

ONE MORE THING: you, your name, her name, and anything to do with you is black listed from the blog. You can comment all day long and WordPress automatically deletes it. Why? So you can’t accuse me of violating your privacy by posting your legal names all over the place and tying your damn self to my writing. I’m protecting your identities because it’s the decent thing to do. Integrity. You should try it.

Ask your dad about that.

Lofty Goals

Out of sheer curiosity Hubs and I began to price small planes. We’d never actually considered it before but with Champ’s unwavering interest in aviation we decided to look into it. They’re actually not too bad. I mean they’re not super affordable, but they’re really not too much more than a decent used car these days. We’re also right around the corner from a small airport with hanger space available and a local flight school.

At first we were just kind of joking about it, but the more we looked into it the more it’s becoming a real possibility. If Champ really wants to become a pilot I think it would be invaluable experience for him to own and even rebuild his own small plane while he goes through flight school.

Of course this is all several years down the road and being just about 4 years old he could change his interests a million times before he needs to figure out his career. Although he’s been quite adamant about it even for being so young and even before I explained the significance of his namesake. The boy just loves airplanes and always has. He has more immediate inspiration aside from his name too. Great grandpa was an aircraft mechanic (Great grandpa did all the things. Seriously. A natural jack of all trades) and grandpa was involved in the Civil Air Patrol for years before leaving California. If we can reasonably afford it, I see no reason not to support his passion even if it ends up being more of a hobby than anything else.

Besides Champ’s general interest, getting my pilot license has always been a bucket list item for myself. I had the opportunity in my teens, but I chose to participate in 4H instead. I don’t remember why 4H seemed like the better option at the time, but missing the opportunity to fly has always been one of the things I often kick myself for as I’ve matured. I dismissed it entirely in my early adulthood because I didn’t have the energy or the finances to pursue it. Now that I do… why not?

I guess we’ll see where it goes over the next year or so. Before I can dedicate any finances to flying I have to finish my degree on the ground first. lol.

Cookies

Last weekend finished out our last full week of summer break. Little is off to first grade this year, and Champ is starting preschool. Already… I can’t believe two of my Littles are off into the big wide world. It seems like just yesterday I was snuggling with infants and now they’re growing up so fast I don’t really know how to take it all. lol.

We celebrated the end of Summer with a loosely planned get together. Many of you know that Hubs and I made amends with his ex-wife and became quite good friends all around several years ago. She, her current husband and kids come over quite frequently. More recently her brother has also taken an interest in renewing his relationship with Hubs. So Hubs’ ex brother in law basically. lol. He and his girlfriend also joined us over the weekend.

We all had a great time. We joked about the circumstances a few moments and then continued on discussing life, sharing stories and just generally having a good time with one another. Bro-in law even brought over an entire case of Girl Scout Thin Mints for us, and popsicles for the kids like any good uncle should really. lol.

Of course all of this happening on the heels of a recent spar with my own ex and his current wife made me reflect on it all. It also made me a little bit sad. I guess the fact that I’ve never reached peace with my ex is really quite a testament to the horrible toxicity of the relationship over all. I’ve accepted that there will never be peace between he and I. We can go for years without interacting, but the moment something hits the right nerve everything explodes again even if it’s as random as an email address being hijacked for SPAM or innocently ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time while visiting my parents. The wounds are still festering on his end and any opportunity he has to let me know he usually does. If not him reacting to some perceived slight, his wife will create drama over absolutely nothing trying to get a rise out of him and a reaction out of me.

Our quiet lulls between fights is about as peaceful as it will ever be in regards to the end of our relationship. I never had much of a relationship with his family so I’m not missing anything in that regard, but it would be nice if I could safely appreciate their positive albeit extremely brief impact on my young adulthood without fear of the world crashing down around me, accusations being hurled or drama being created.

Maybe it is a bit unorthodox, but I’ve never had any issues repairing relationships as long as they’re mutually healthy. I’m thrilled that Hubs has been able to repair the bonds he had with his ex and her family. Both she and him knew their marriage wasn’t a good idea from the get go and the end of the relationship was difficult, but not devastating. Once we all grew and matured a little bit it was easy to take ownership of our missteps and reestablish boundaries forging new friendships. I love his “other” family and I’m happy to call them our friends.

Just because things don’t work out romantically or in a marital sense doesn’t mean you immediately stop caring about someone. If the love was real the relationship can be repaired even if it takes on a different roll in your life and I think it’s beautiful when it happens. Hubs and his ex were great friends. They really love one another, but they weren’t good partners. They needed different strengths in their partners to thrive, which they found at the expense of their friendship. Which really hurt for both of them. Now, having their friendship restored, in addition to their stable partnership they’re both thriving. Hubs is a completely different person. He’s more open with me, he’s more confident expressing his feelings when we have a disagreement… I mean… it’s like a weight was lifted off of him, and it makes my heart soar to see him so happy.

On the flip side… when things are not healthy, and the love was one sided or all together nonexistent there isn’t any reason to pursue anything further, friendship or otherwise. It will just hold you back and hurt everyone involved. At that point it’s sabotage not nurturing and no amount of Thin Mints can change that.

High Spirited

My children are all highly intelligent, fiercely independent, curious, creative and tenacious problem solvers. Each and every one of those qualities are invaluable for navigating the adult world. I love watching their little minds grow and celebrating their successful solutions.

I don’t love spending money on toys that get dismantled/broken within a week, cleaning up constant messes, the yelling, the refusal to listen, the rules being consistently tossed out the window, the boundary testing and the sibling battle royal.

I know they are young and their behavior is all part of healthy growth and development. I love my little people and their high spirited antics. I’m also so very tired as the summer draws to a close and ready to have a break during the day again. lol.

This morning they all woke up several hours earlier than usual and decided to “help me” with my morning chores by letting the dog outside. Nobel intentions to be certain, however the dog wouldn’t go outside. Being my smart little problem solvers, they discovered that they could herd him with the dining room chairs and so they did… all the way into the back yard. Every single dining room chair. Out. Side. In. The. Back. Yard. before I could even get dressed and out of bed to see what they were into. Less than fifteen minutes really.

Not only did they decide to drag the chairs outside to accomplish getting the dog outside, but they then decided to drag the metal chairs across the concrete patio rattling like the dickens at 9am in the morning while yelling and screaming at one another as my children do. Hearing the commotion obviously I flew out of bed and ran outside in my jammies trying to figure out what the hell my children were doing and why.

All before 10am, and this among other things is why I desperately need a kid break. I am so proud of them and I know how all of the qualities that make them exceptionally difficult kids will make them super successful as adults once they figure out the value of rules and respect for authority anyway. Getting them to that point… may kill me. Lol.