2016 Feels

*blinks* Uh… yeah? The angry emails and comments and entire police fiasco? Those were definitely feels. He definitely had them…and they certainly inspired some very irrational behavior. Evidence for days that he was exceptionally pissed off at me in 2016.

So… what exactly are you trying to deny here? That he was mad at me? Or that he broke into my apartment because he was overwhelmed with his anger? I know he didn’t give shit about the car, but when I asked the police for advice, they offered to take care of it. It needed to be done. He needed to know, because his stuff was in it. The police had to be involved because the damn thing was in their possession. It’s not like I sequestered it away for 13 years as a part of some diabolical plot to ruin your life.

Thank you, by the way, for being so incredibly understanding during this difficult time for me. *hard eyeroll* What did I say? What did I say was the only difficult part of this entire thing? Dealing with the drama that you created. His “feels” are the only thing you took an issue with? Out of everything I wrote about last week, that’s the thing that gets you?

I mean… I’m okay with the fact that he hates me as long as he isn’t acting on his hatred. Because no, you’re not going to terrorize me or my family just because you’re pissed off. Otherwise, he’s entitled to feel however the hell he wants to feel. I don’t expect him to forgive me. lol. It’s not going to happen. Me sitting here reflecting on how we’ve both hurt one another since the split isn’t going to change a damn thing. It’s sad. It’s the only thing I regret, but it’s not going to change. I mean I can’t go back in time and ignore your email, or un-send the friend request. Right?

And… who the hell are you to dictate his feelings? I just said there were feels. Clearly they were feels, and they certainly came across as anger, but I don’t really know. Maybe he was sad. Maybe he was scared. I don’t know. I don’t fucking live in his head. Neither do you! So shut the fuck up. If he has something to say to me, he can say it. If he just wants to ignore me? Then my God, let him because this is the third damn time I’ve come to a place of acceptance and peace regarding the end of our relationship only to have you swoop in and try to stir shit up again speaking about how he feels, or felt 13 years ago before you ever even met him.

This is not between you and me. This is between me and him. I’m sure he’s told you different things than he told me about our relationship. He lied to me. He’s a compulsive liar due to his head trauma. It’s easier to just go our separate ways and leave it alone. Because of my trauma and his lies the truth is never going to be black and white, or tied up neatly in a little bow. It’s always going to hurt a little. You can waste your time and energy digging around looking for anything that you perceive creates an inconsistency in my experiences or you can just accept that the truth is subjective and move forward trusting your own experiences.

I don’t know who the hell he was in 2007/08 when you met him. I only know who he was in 2005 and 2006 and that his irrational behavior when he’s angry hasn’t changed since. I’ve only interacted with him one time since 2008 that he wasn’t pissed off at me. You want me to sit here and sing his praises and tell the world he blows rainbows out his ass when all I’ve experienced with him for the last ten years has been rage? Really?

Are you a good person? Hell if I know because the only times we’ve tried to talk it out things only got worse. You fucking had him arrested in 2014 because he got mad at you for refusing to leave this alone. You of all people should know that he looses all rationality when he gets angry. And do not even start with the “well if you’d just stop writing” bullshit. No. We’re not going to do that again, because when I asked for his permission to write he gave it to me. Everything between he and I was fine until you got involved. He asked you to stop texting me, and you didn’t. He asked you to stop reading this, and you didn’t. He gets mad at you, but instead of addressing the issues with YOU he takes it out on ME. Slashed tire, egging, driving by the house yelling at me… yeah.

This is going to piss him the fuck off because it’s true. He can’t emotionally handle the truth. That’s why he’s a compulsive liar. a + b = c it’s not rocket science, and even if it was if he would have just listened to his dad we wouldn’t be in this mess. Do you know what his dad always told him in regards to our relationship? “Tell her the truth, son. Get her the help that she needs, son.” But he couldn’t do it until the very last possible second, and even then when he finally told me his watered down half-truth he couldn’t help me. Which, honestly, he didn’t have to help me because my emotional state was my responsibility but he still didn’t listen to his dad. It took him eleven fucking years to tell me the entire truth, and the only reason he did it was because he was so pissed off he couldn’t think straight and it just spilled out. And you know what? HOLY FUCKING HELL Dad was right, and it was exactly what I needed to hear to continue my healing process.

So here I am actually considering the advice Dad gave which he ignored, and trying to be as honest and objective as I can, but it doesn’t seem to matter because the truth bounces right the fuck off your face. Which, I can empathize with. The first time he tried to end our relationship I panicked. Straight up, freaked out, panic attack. It’s in my book. So I get the denial as a defense mechanism. I really, really, really do but it still doesn’t change the truth. And if you keep coming here looking for something different, you’re never going to get it.