Over the last half of the week I got completely knocked tf out by a bacterial sinus infection. It didn’t come back positive for strep so they aren’t sure exactly what it is, but antibiotics seem to be helping. They sent my tests off for cultures and I should have the results soon. I don’t really care what particular bacteria invaded as long as it gets fixed.
The hardest part of my recovery from my second bout of sepsis has been learning to listen to my body before I’m knocking on death’s door (again lol) I knew I wasn’t feeling particularly well on Tuesday but powered through my symptoms until Thursday. I was in the middle of my shift at work and I knew something was not okay. Thankfully on Thursdays I’m kind of extra as far as my prep team goes so I was able to go home early and get an appointment with the local immediate care.
I felt bad leaving work early, because I knew I was sick but I probably could have powered through it. However, powering through my discomfort in the past has lead me to hospitalization more than once. I needed to leave work and take care of myself, but there was still a iota of guilt.
I hate that about my PTSD. It’s worse than any flashbacks or intrusive thoughts. What does that have to do with my PTSD? Lol. Well basically once your brain is accustomed to the levels of stress associated with trauma anything else feels like no big deal. I was sick. I needed to leave. But I wasn’t AS SICK (ie dying) as I have been in the past so I felt that teeny bit of irrational guilt for asking to leave. Which is stupid.
Finishing the end of my shift only to wind up bed ridden or in the hospital again requiring me to miss MORE work next week doesn’t make any sense. I know I did the right thing by cutting my losses and getting treatment when I needed it. This time.
Other times I’ll miss the mark. It won’t be anything truly serious or treatable and I’ll have left for no real valid reason. Which I think contributes to my feelings of guilt. It’s really hard to explain to people how much of a struggle it genuinely is to determine my feelings or listen to my body outside of DEFCON 1 level chaos mode. I’m constantly second guessing myself. Is my PTSD interfering with my assessment of my health? Am I telling myself these symptoms are fine because I’m not dying yet? Do I need to address this now when it feels like nothing to prevent it from turning into something awful?
Ugh… I don’t know. I know it’s not wrong or shameful to take care for my health. It’s just something I’ve never really done before and I’m still learning the ropes. In a way it’s like I’m a 32 year old child. Things I should know by now in my phase of adulthood are still new to me and figuring it all out is annoying. Especially when other adults look at me like I’m crazy for struggling with something that most other people don’t.
Just let me figure this out without all the judgey side eyes dammit! Lol.