Jeremy Alexander/Katelyn Marie 11/06

Oliver James/Molly Ann 11/07

Gus Vaughn/Lorelei Leigh 09/08

Ezekiel Wesley/Eliza Temperance Hale 04/14

Everett Wesley/Penelope Louise Hale 08/15

Lost but never forgotten. 💜

My oldest child, if the pregnancy had come to term, would be turning 13 next month.

While I can appreciate God’s grace in never allowing my first three pregnancies to continue to term, I often wonder who those people would be. I often wonder if the first four pregnancies were single or multiple since I never had the opportunity to make it to my first ultrasound appointment before I lost them. Knowing that I carry the hyper ovulation gene, it’s possible that each pregnancy represents more than one life. I’ll never know.

I often wonder how different the course of my life would be. If my ex and I would have stayed together, or if our tumultuous end was inevitable regardless. Due to his illness/injuries/disorder I know I never would have been able to leave Ohio. I probably wouldn’t have healed from any of my trauma, and I certainly wouldn’t have written any of my books.

And then I look into the faces of the tiny humans that I have been blessed with. Each beautiful little soul that wouldn’t exist if my previous pregnancies had survived, and I can’t imagine never knowing these little souls. As much as I have grieved the loss of my angel babies, I can also appreciate how wonderful my life became because of their loss.

Time heals, even when the wounds still occasionally ache.

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