Yesterday I went to the store with the Twins. We stopped for breakfast, I grabbed a PSL (because what’s fall without a PSL am I right??) we wandered around the grocery store for an hour or so and headed home. Once we got home the boys went out back to play with the dog and I put everything away before taking a few minutes to throw together some banana bread. While the bread was in the oven I did some dishes and watched the boys playing in the back yard.
Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t lost in intrusive thoughts. I wasn’t discontent in the stillness of my own home. I was… happy? I mean… I’m still trying to figure out exactly what healthy emotions and feelings are so I think this is happiness. Although in a way it feels more like I’m complete. I have zero desire to get out of the house and not because I’m fearful of the world. I just love being at home these days.
I can’t wait until my daughter gets off the school bus this afternoon because it’s Friday. I don’t have to work weekends right now which means I get to have my Hubs and my kiddos allllll to myself. Little doesn’t participate in any sports or such right now so our weekends are spent just being together as a family. Something that I dreaded up until recently.
Not because I don’t love my family. I do. I love my tiny humans and my husband. I just didn’t love sitting still for those long quiet moments while my trauma was running around unchecked. I had to stay busy to numb and avoid the pain. I always wanted to be doing something, going somewhere or with friends and Hubs. I never wanted to sit back and relax.
Now? I relish those quiet moments. I love coming home from the grocery store and watching my Littles play with the dog and baking banana bread. I love cooking meals for my family. I love sitting quietly on the couch working on writing projects, or just goofing off online next to my husband doing the same.
In the past I was apprehensive about these feelings of contentment because it never seemed to last. Some crisis or another was always around the corner, but now life has settled into the blissful repetitive nature that I’ve longed for since childhood and for the very first time it actually feels *good* to be here.
I think this is happiness… lol. At least I’m pretty certain. If not happiness, it’s definitely peaceful which is a new experience all around. New and wonderful.