You know, coming up on the year anniversary of my last brush with death a lot of things have come into perspective. I’ve stared death in the face at least 11 times that I can remember over the course of my 32 years, but this most recent event really got my attention. Mostly because it was my second encounter with sepsis and the chances of making a full recovery are cut nearly in half each time you’re diagnosed with it. At this point in my life something as simple as a neglected paper cut could take me out lol. It really brings my mortality to the front of my consciousness. With that, a lot of my priorities have changed over the past year as well.
I’ve come to realize just how entirely pointless this consistent bickering with my ex and his wife actually is. I don’t care to associate with any of their friends, and I respect his family too much to bother them since the relationship ended. The memories I have of the poingnant moments which inspired me moving forward (ie the jewelry, naming my son after his dad, etc etc etc) are mine and no amount of denial can take them away. Obviously we’re never going to have any sort of relationship. Duh. I’ve spent the past several years publicly calling their son a rapist. I don’t expect any of that to change just because I’ve realized that I misjudged them and apologized. That’s just my own integrity. Yeah, I made a mistake. I’m going to apologize. It doesn’t change shit, but it’s who I am and how I was raised so I’m going to do it anyway.
As much as my ex and his wife want to continue setting me up to look like a damn fool (a trap which I’ve fallen into on multiple occasions) none of it really matters. Sure I look really foolish and kinda crazy to his friends and family. He’s even managed to discredit me as far as the police go but my friends and family the people who know me and love me don’t pay any attention to my ex, his wife or his friends. The smear campaign doesn’t affect my book sales. It doesn’t affect the relationship I have with my husband. It doesn’t affect my ability to be present and supportive for my children. It doesn’t affect my job performance. It doesn’t affect my grades. I’m not breaking any laws so the police siding with my ex doesn’t have any affect on me either. It’s unfortunate, but it’s really not uncommon.
Y’know, before I was knocking on death’s door last year I was afraid of my ex and his wife. How they might react to what I wrote, or where I went promoting my book, or where I went in general visiting my parents. Now that I’ve made peace with my own mortality I realized how trivial it all was. It’s true my ex has violent tendencies, and he has the capacity to truly hurt or even kill me. You know what? A lot of things have that capacity, but it’s never stopped me from living my life. I don’t really know why I gave him that power over me for so long, or her by proxy for that matter.
But they don’t have it anymore. It’s all about perspective.