My mood has been all over the fucking place the past few weeks and I couldn’t put my finger on the cause.
I was annoyed with my annual spat with my creeper, but it didn’t really bother me as much as it has in the past. We’ve been doing this for damn near 12 years. It’ll be weird if it ever stops. Lol. This is business as usual.
I started a new diet plan which drastically cut my carb in take and balanced out my blood sugar with an intermittent fasting schedule. That made me hangry for a few days as my body adjusted.
And still something was just bothering me and I couldn’t figure it out until last night. My Hubs cut his hair.
Which sounds stupid and selfish until I figured out why his haircut sent me for an emotional loop. Without his hair he looks entirely too much like my ex, which triggered a slew of flashbacks and memories of the break in two years ago.
Initially when my ex showed up in my apartment he was sort of hiding and trying not to be seen until I fell asleep. Somewhere between initially falling asleep and having pills shoved down my throat I broke my stream of consciousness and memories get really fuzzy. When a random man showed up in my apartment I originally believed him to be my husband arriving early for the weekend.
I remember commenting on how he trimmed his beard and cut off his hair, but for some reason (the pills) it just didn’t register that it wasn’t my husband at all but a totally different person at least until later during the event. At the first moment I realized someone was there I just commented on his beard, hair and jacket which I didn’t recognize as something from my husband’s wardrobe.
Fast forward two years when my Hubs got tired of the upkeep for his undercut and decided to shave his head all together for the Summer. Suddenly he wasn’t my Hubs at all, but a vague reminder of the man in my apartment. I was snippy and rude and generally uncomfortable to/around him and couldn’t figure out why.
Eventually after several flashback dreams and a new wave of memories surfaced I was able to put it together. PTSD is stupid. I hate it. There are a million physical differences between my Hubs and my ex. Hubs is a few inches shorter, 100lbs lighter, five years younger, he has glasses, hazel green eyes, his voice is two octaves lower and his hair is a slightly lighter shade of brown. His face isn’t littered with scars, only two from a spider bite in his teens and his lip piercing. Hubs is sinewy and lean muscle wise while my ex is bulky and athletic (somewhere under the extra pounds he’s packed on over the years) They are two entirely different people but some damn thing in my head decided to freak out over something as mundane and superficial as a change in hairstyle.
Thankfully, once I figured it out and discussed it with Hubs he was fairly understanding. He was disappointed that there wasn’t much he could do to resolve the issue since he can’t magically grow hair overnight, but he was generally understanding. He’s too good to me. I’m lucky to have him. 💕
Now to figure out how to get my brain to settle tf back down until he can change his hair back. *sigh*