Muddy Waters

Hubs and I took the Littles to one of my favorite amusement parks last weekend. It was the Twins’ first experience with anything ride/theme park related, Little’s second. They all had an absolute blast. Hubs and I did too! We’ve been trying to visit a theme park since we started dating ten years ago and just never got around to it until now. lol. Plus it was extra special to see the wonder and excitement on our Littles’ faces riding around on the rides and eating junk food and generally having a great experience all around.

It was a wonderful way to end Little’s Fall Break and inspired a lot of memories for everyone I think.

Of course, the downfall of this amusement park is that we ended up back in Ohio which is generally a huge trigger for me. I haven’t struggled with any anxiety since my successful EMDR session this past Spring, but now I’m just stuck with memory fragments from the insanity that happened in our apartment before we moved in 2017. It’s difficult to stay grounded and not let my imagination run away with me as I’m patiently waiting for my repression instinct to let go and unlock the complete memories. If the complete memories even exist.

Part of what happened involves missing medication which I’m fairly certain made it into the back of my throat without my consent. At least I’m certain that I choked on something before my memories went haywire and found my medicine bottle moved with two pills unaccounted for. Regardless of where the pills went and whom put them there… if they ended up in my system the dose was enough to alter my memory. Not enough to completely BLOCK my memory but definitely enough to alter it substantially. I may very well not have the complete memories to recall after the repression fades.

Having more fragments become more clear each time I visit Ohio leads me to believe that there is at least some repression affecting what keeps cycling through my head. If they’re there, they’ll eventually come to light. I can’t rush them without retraumatizing myself. It’s all a frustrating waiting game. At least the other symptoms that come with PTSD are easier to manage now that I understand what’s happening. I’m not as emotionally invested to my memory fragments this time around which makes them much easier to cope with. EASIER, for sure, but it’s still not pleasant navigating these muddy waters after trauma has once again rattled my brain.