Dip, Drive, Depression

For the past several years I’ve really been struggling with an overwhelming depressive spell around my birthday. This year I’ve decided to tackle it head on. I am bound and determined to figure out why in the royal eff the week of my birthday makes me a mopey mess. It was so bad this year I couldn’t even finish my usual workout because I felt physically ill, simply because of the depression.

So, I’ve set about pulling out every archive I can think of to figure the damn thing out… A lot of it has to do with my monthly cycle and hormone fluctuations. My Lady Time has always been at the beginning of the month and I usually get grumpy and weepy as my hormones change. But that happens every month and the severe depression only happens in June.

I’ve rarely done anything that I specifically wanted to do on my birthday. Even as I was growing up, my birthday was more about what my mom wanted to do for me instead of what I wanted to do. All of my birthday parties were filled with kids that I barely knew or hardly spoke to because “kids have parties with friends”. Even into adulthood my birthday has always been less about me; than what other people wanted to do for me to make themselves feel better. Even when I’ve asked for something specific I’ve rarely if ever received it. That honestly could be it… my birthday makes me feel invalidated times 1000 which is still a sore spot in my mental health onion.

Hmm…

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