The memories are missing but the pain is still there. I can remember before and after but none of the in-between. I’ve been warned that over time I’ll remember more. It will be hard but as my brain gets older the block will whither. As will the the blocked out memories of my dad beating up my mom.
I was so small, around 7 years old. My brother came home from playing basketball with a friend, Ray. My brother and Ray are in the living room whispering and giggling.
I lay curled up next to my mom in my long oversized tshirt. That’s what I always wore around, just a single extra large tshirt and my Barney panties. I was feeling sleepy and was just about to doze off when my brother told me to follow them, they had something to show me.
I fumbled around, drowsily, behind my brother to his bedroom. Ray was already there, his shirt suddenly missing. My brother closes the door and tells me he has something to show me and that I can’t say anything. It’s very important that I never say anything and that its gonna be a secret. That’s when he starts to unzip his pants…
Suddenly im on the floor, curled up and scared. I hear Ray tell my brother he should take me back to the living room, put me with my mom. I can feel the tears in my face and im shaking.
My brother takes me to the couch and I lay back down next to my mom. I don’t sleep. I just kind of sit there, and stare. Until eventually I drift off into some kind of sleep.
I stopped talking much after. I stopped smiling too. I became very disobedient and angry. I can remember going into the office and having CPS ask me if anyone has ever touched me. But I say no. Probably because I can’t remember anything happening, so I assumed nothing happened. Still, there is an empty void and sadness I can’t shake. A constant fear that dwells within me, unyielding. I go through my whole life afraid of boys, afraid of sex, deathly afraid of RAPE and being RAPED. I can’t even walk down the street alone without being terrified.
When I got married and lost my virginity, sex was always painful. Sometimes in the middle Id have panic attacks and have to stop. The pain was always so unbearable. Even so much as fingers penetrating me hurt badly. I hated sex… I avoided it as much as I could.
Finally, when I was 24 years old I went to the doctor and got help. I admitted everything and started crying and told that I didn’t even know if anything happened because I can’t remember. But sex hurts so bad and im so scared of it! They did an exam and found lots of scar tissue near my cervix and in the entrance.
The hardest part of finding out there was actually trauma was telling my mother. To see her cry and breakdown and feel like she had failed me. It is so hard to see your hero like that. I’ve loved my mom more than anything my whole life… And to see her say she wishes she could hurt her own son hurts. To see her think she is a terrible mother hurts so much. She is not. It was not her fault as much as it wasn’t my fault. And my dad, well he doesn’t know. He doesn’t because if he did, I would only ever see him in an orange jumpsuit until the day he died. He’d never get to meet his grandchildren because he’d be in jail for murder.
I underwent surgery to remove this scar tissue. Paired with therapy, I feel like I’m doing tons better. Sex is no longer the most painful thing in the world and I can get intimate up to 2 or 3 times a month now. Which seems so little, but when you were only doing it once every 3 or 4 months, that is a huge difference and lots of progress.
It hasn’t been an easy journey. I also suffer from Bipolar and Anxiety disorder. These things make sexual trauma that much harder to deal with. It’s exhausting. But im making strides and pulling through it slowly. I’ve become so strong. Im not afraid to say it now…
I was raped.
It is not okay. It is never okay.
If you have suffered from such a thing, speak out. It never helps anything to hold it all in, it only tears you apart and hurts you even more. Let it go, love yourself, know it’s not your fault and you don’t deserve it.
You are beautiful and whatever happened to you does not define you and never will.