My Favorite Color

And now we’ve arrived at the 23rd of March. My seventh wedding anniversary, and also a birthday.

In years past I’ve avoided the birthday, but this year I’m just going to say it: yeah… I thought about him today. My abusive ex. When I thought about him, it wasn’t wrought with longing, or sadness, or guilt, or depression, or amusing memories of neon water melons and cheesecake.

When I thought about him, I thought about this song. It’s a spot on representation of who he was during our time together. I can’t speak for who he is over a decade later, but the small snapshot I had with him is perfectly wrapped up in this song. It’s not particularly flattering, but what took place between us wasn’t particularly healthy either.

It feels good, although slightly strange to have finally arrived at this destination after fighting with my PTSD trauma bonding attachment to him for so long. I thought it was love because the only kind of “love” I knew up until I started therapy was trauma bonding. Even being in therapy for years I was still stuck on it/him for so long I never thought it was going to change. With the success of my EMDR, I’m finally free from those trauma bonds.

Occasionally he will cross my mind, obviously, but I don’t feel anything associated with the thoughts anymore. It’s like silence after being trapped in a crowded room. It feels great.

Favorite Color Is Blue

K.Flay, Robert DeLong

Locked up, naked with socks

I’m watching the phone ring

It’s making me angry

It’s making me mad

Maxed out, minimum wage

My brain is a time bomb

I’m saying goodbye, mom

I’ll see you again

Striking a pose

Smiling in photos without any reason

With people that I’ll never know

I’m out of control, live in a fictional prose

I took an oath, it’s killing me though

‘Cause I don’t believe in the things that I do

And now my favorite color is blue

And now my favorite color is blue

And now my favorite

Roped up, rot in a cage

I’m having a breakdown

Drinking at a playground, tequila for one

Too short, walk in the streets, I’m hating my haircut

You say that you’re here, but

You live on the Sun

Burning a kite

I’m at a funeral, nothing unusual

Baby, I do what I like

Looking to fight, smoking a blunt and a pipe

Taking a bite, worm in the apple

I knew it would happen, ’cause honey the vermin survive

Swerve to the side, been driving all night

I’m thinking of changing my name, thinking of wrecking a home

‘Cause loving and hating are one and the same

And I’m feeling like everyone’s feeling alone

I’m just looking for something to soften the blow

A second inside of the truth

I don’t see red ’cause

Now my favorite color is blue

And now my favorite color is blue

And now my favorite color is blue