Disconnect

So my EMDR has so far successfully reconnected me to my healthy anger reflex. It wasn’t lost, it was just turned off in favor of survival for a while. I’m ever so grateful that the therapy is working, buuuuuuuuuuuut…… now that I’ve found my anger? I’m angry about everything it seems and just giving off “pissed off, don’t fuck with me”, vibes left and right. My poor boss thought I was mad at her because I’ve just had an entirely different aura about me since I started this therapy adventure. Now I’m not entirely sure if this is the direction that I want to take in terms of how I manage my life.

The goal with the EMDR was to sever the unhealthy trauma attachment I’ve had to my ex, and it’s been successful, but at what cost? When I was medicated to numb the attachment vs actually severing it I was bubbly, chill and easy to get a long with. I was miserable on the inside trying to wrap my head around logic conflicting with emotions, but no one aside from a few close friends and my therapist really knew.

Now that I’m off the meds and reconnected with the logical anger, I’m throwing off short tempered, unkind barbs outward and it’s apparently very obvious. Almost like my wealth of empathy has been dried up and logic wins at nearly all costs. It’s not to say that I’m not empathetic anymore, because I certainly am. My boss asked if I was mad at her, and I nearly started bawling thinking that I might have hurt someone’s feelings. lol. I still have the empathy in there, it just seems to get lost in the filter of thought. My emotions aren’t OMG IN YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW FEEL ALL THE FEELS like they have been in the past. They are slow to fruition, and travel through a maze of different thoughts and scenarios before I react on them. Which I guess is normal? Is this normal? lol.

I don’t know how I feel about that. It certainly makes sense why I’ve been so stuck on my attachments. If being irrationally compassionate toward someone who victimized me in such violent and monstrous ways only hurts myself, yet bringing back my rationality in turn reconnecting my anger hurts everyone else? Because of my empathy for others I’d rather be the only one hurting. It’s the same thing that kept me silent about so many of the specific things that happened and ways that my ex hurt me. I would rather bear the burden myself than toss it onto anyone else.

It’s too late to go back now. I can’t just randomly disconnect my brain again after the neural pathways have been repaired. I have to keep moving forward and hope for the best.