Falling

For those who are new to my audience, Little has struggled with sleep disturbances every Fall since she was a year old. It’s compounded by my own struggles with the ugly memories that pop up during the change of the seasons. Fall is just a generally hectic, emotionally messy time around the House of Hale, or at least it has been for the past four years.

This year, in preparation for Little’s mood shift/insomnia, Hubs and I have been brainstorming and researching all that we can to make the transition easier for her. We still don’t exactly know why she seems to cycle during the Fall more so than other times of the year, but we’re still trying to prepare with everything we can. In the process of reading through the various resources we also discovered why she’s continued to struggle with nightmares after the Egg Incident,

Hubs has worked second shift since Little was born. He’s always checked on her when he gets home as part of his nightly ritual. With me working early in the mornings everyone is asleep before he gets home. He always checked on the kids and came into our room to give me a kiss and let me know that he made it home safely. He’s done it for years. He’s a caring, loving, father and husband. lol. I mean… really. After Little had her run in with Egg Bandit, every time Hubs has been going in to check on her it’s been triggering flashbacks. She doesn’t realize that it’s her daddy who loves her standing next to her bed. All she sees is a man in her room again and it terrifies her.

It’s been over six months since the Egg Incident and she continues to struggle with this. Every time she brings it up I ask about it. I ask if Egg Bandit touched her or hurt her in anyway and she denies anything other than waking up and seeing him in her room. I’m thankful for that at least. I still hate to see her struggling so much. She’s five. She shouldn’t be worried about strange men in her bedroom. Her father should be able to check on her at night without worrying about triggering flashbacks. He should be able to tuck her in, or cover her up when she’s shivering because she lost her blanket.

It makes me angry trying to wrap my head around the reason that some one could justify that type of behavior. Not only egging our apartment in the first place, but choosing to break in after the fact and wander around terrorizing my children. I’ve said it before, but I’m saying it again: I’m emotionally equipped to process what happened to me, if anything other than the trauma of the break in itself actually happened. I’m emotionally equipped to accept that I won’t have the full details, and may never regain any complete memories. I’m not wandering around in fear of strange men. Hubs coming home after work to check on me generally doesn’t phase me unless I’m having a particularly difficult brain day.

My baby girl is not. She hasn’t even fully learned what emotions ARE yet. She understands the basics, happy, sad, scared, angry, silly, but something as complex as enduring a break in is beyond her emotional comprehension. She knows she is scared when Hubs comes into her room at night, but she doesn’t understand why. It troubles her, even as small as she is and it breaks my heart while also bringing out the rage of an angry badger.

The angry badger rage I’ve found is justified, and I’ll write about it all day long, but I won’t waste any additional energy acting on it. Egg Bandit’s luck will run out eventually. He’ll get caught and tossed in jail where he probably should have been the majority of his adult life. Or he’ll go out in a blaze of homicidal glory… at this point nothing would surprise me.