Fate be Damned

I wrote this last year and for some reason it never made it to publication. I’m not sure why but I’m trying to clean up my draft folder and thought it was a good post. I don’t struggle with this issue anymore since my stalking nightmare is finally over, but it was a continuing theme in my life for many years. I do still get little prickles of intuition here and there, but instead of struggling with my head trying to decide if I’m running from fate like I did when I wrote this piece, I’m able to brush it aside as exactly what it is: an attempt to reel me back into the cycle of abuse. I’m precisely where I need to be in life right now. I’m with the right man, I’m in the right home, I have the perfect family, and a good job. It isn’t exactly where I wanted to be, but it’s where I need to be. 

Do you ever have one of those days in the middle of everything else that just strikes all the wrong nerves? Yep… Yesterday was one of those days. I don’t have time for these shenanigans, especially trying to move.

The day started out like all of my other days. Wake up with the Twins, get them changed, feed them, hop in the car to get my Starbucks, log on to my various social media sites and check my email. First thing, my Facebook page and blog stat report comes in from the past week. I read through it, generally annoyed by what I found. It wasn’t anything unusual, just the regular creepers creeping, and fans liking. My creeping ratio has been a little higher than usual, but that happens annually in February, so nothing that was immediately alarming.

Then I switched over to my personal Facebook scrolling through my feed, and the On This Day post popped up with a memory from several years ago referencing creepers. Which made me pause, and my intuition perk up a bit. So I scrolled through the rest of the memories and found a few more that also made me go: “Hmm… 🤔” After a few more posts I encountered, I decided perhaps it wasn’t a good day for social media. Lol. Algorithms are awesome for many things, not so much when you’re trying to control your emotional flux and have weird random triggers that can send you to either end of the spectrum at the drop of a hat.

So I logged out of everything and decided to forego any sort of social media for the rest of the day and busy myself working on the plethora of projects I have to do before we can list the house. I enjoy listening to music while I’m working, so I opened my music ap, Spotify, and hit shuffle. After about half an hour I had to turn it off. Everything that shuffled in was about fate, or goons, or revenge, which brought me right back to the start of my day with the breadcrumbs in my stat report. I turned the music off, and had to sit down for a moment trying to collect myself.

It’s been a difficult few weeks anyway with the additional stress of preparing to move, the last thing I need is to lose focus on my present and fall back into the traps of the past or anxiety about the future. Yet, life was throwing all of those things at me, and my intuition was tugging at my heart more and more with each sequential event. In the past I would have followed those breadcrumbs in my stat report to find any number of things that would be triggering and/or upsetting. Believe me, there have been times in my blogging career when there are more breadcrumbs than a goddamn bakery in my reports. I used to think they were left for me intentionally, especially considering what I found at the end of the trail. There’s still a small chance that they might be, but I’m leaning more towards the fact that Hansel and Gretel simply don’t understand how the reports work or realize exactly what they’ve left behind for me to see. Honestly, it’s mostly Gretel. Hansel could care less about me, my blog, or anything else. He just wants to find his candy house in the forrest and be happy. Gretel is the one causing all the problems, leaving the trails and hoping I take the bait.

Now that I realize that, it does make things easier to ignore, but some days like yesterday it’s still incredibly hard. Mostly because I’ve always been the type to immediately follow my intuition no questions asked, so turning around and ignoring it or trying to turn it off so to speak is incredibly hard. It’s something I need to do, because blindly following my heart keeps getting me in trouble. Emotionally, in regards to my mental health, and often times physically with confrontations and fights. I know I need to reign it in.

But then I always have to wonder, am I trying to run away from fate? Are these signs imaginary, or a glimpse of the path I’m supposed to take? That’s where the curse of being truly in tune with yourself and the world around you comes in. Mindfulness is only beneficial to a certain point before it tips over into something else. I am forever riding the line, and probably always will be.