I love my kids. I would do absolutely anything for them. I do my best to keep everything fair, give them all individual attention, and spend one on one time with them as much as the 24hrs of the day will allow.
I try, and I still fail. I know I’m human and I can’t be everywhere at once or do everything that they want to do. And I still feel like a failure. Trying to maintain my own sanity in the midst of tending to the emotional needs of three tiny humans becomes a battle that I often lose.
It’s easy to explain my disorder and how it affects me to adults. I can effectively communicate how I’m feeling and what’s happening without hurt feelings or too many misunderstandings. I can’t do that with the kids. I can’t apologize for snapping at them when their noise becomes too overwhelming and I can’t think. They don’t hear “it’s the noise making mommy upset” they hear “it’s me making mommy upset”.
They don’t understand when I’m having a really bad day and I need to rest and recover by taking a long nap that I want to spend time with them, but I physically can’t until I rest. They think I just don’t want to. They don’t understand why some days everything is great and we play outside, and color and play games and do fun things together, but other days we don’t.
They don’t and won’t understand how damaged I am until they’re older and adults themselves, but by then they’ll be confronting their own wounds. The damage by proxy that I feel a million times responsible for, even though I’m doing the absolute best that I can. I’m working so hard to get better and be better for them, but it still isn’t good enough.