One of the biggest steps I’ve taken on my road to recovery in recent months has been going back to school. Even in just the few classes I was able to complete before we found out about the Twins, have been immensely helpful in learning how to defend myself against predators. As anyone who has survived an abusive childhood knows, it’s extremely difficult to get out of the patterns of abuse, especially when that’s all you know. Being able to recognize the subtle signs, in addition to the obvious signs has helped me a whole bunch. It’s a lot easier for things to roll off your back when you see the toxic abusive nature with which they are spewed at you.
It’s been especially helpful in dealing with my mother. She still throws out her guilt trippy narcissistic barbs out, but they don’t phase me nearly as much as they used to. It’s actually kind of amusing to watch her try so hard to upset me with things the way she used to, as I respond with a smile or blank stare and change the subject. We actually haven’t gotten in a heated argument since last September. Fingers crossed everyone! lol.
Anyway… I wish I hadn’t sold my text books so I could quote from them, but I found an article online that outlines the signs of a predatory abusive person pretty well. It gets the point across, although if these signs are present with narcissism or any other psychosis with delusion, they unfortunately won’t be able to see it in themselves. I’ve shown my mother countless times and instead it just gets thrown back in my face as if I’m the guilty party. Narcissism 101 right there. Which of course, leads to the smile and/or blank stare.
It’s also helped me a lot to understand that 75% of the time people who display abusive behaviors are simply hurting themselves. There is only a small percentage of the population who truly enjoys toying with the masses via manipulation and abuse. Most abusive behavior is learned, which of course means it can also be UNLEARNED, but one has to be willing to accept their responsibility in the cycle of abuse to reach a solution. Anything else is simply a form of control, which in itself is abusive.
Really humanity is such a complex system, I could carry on for days about the facts, and research blah blah blah. No one wants to read through all of that. lol. If they do, a wealth of information can be found online or they can contact a licensed therapist. I’m just sitting here with the tip of the iceberg.
- Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
- Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
- Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
- When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
- Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
- Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
- Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
- Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
- Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
- Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
- Do they have trouble apologizing?
- Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
- Do they call you names or label you?
- Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
- Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
*taken from an article on psychcentral.com