The Hardest Part

Another big adjustment I have to make after returning to work is the fact that Hubs comes home after I go to bed every night during the week. I’ve been in the habit of waiting up for him so we can go to bed together. I’ve never liked him coming in after I go to sleep, but after the break in I’ve been very edgy and particular about it again. It took me almost four years to work past it the first time and now it feels like it’s starting all over again.

It all stems back from a sexually abusive past relationship. I don’t actually know how many times my boyfriend came home late and did whatever he wanted to me whether I was consenting or not. There are at least three incidents where I woke somewhere in the middle, but those are the only nights I can recall. Hell if I know how often it actually happened, but it stuck with me because even after that train wreck of a relationship ended; I’ve never been able to have someone aside from my kids get into my bed without me freaking the eff out. Unless I’m so physically exhausted that it doesn’t even stir me from sleep lol. That’s happened on a few occasions. I’ll go to sleep alone and wake up next to Hubs with zero recollection of when he came to bed.

My triggers haven’t been as sensitive this round. I still panic a little bit, and I still have flashbacks on occasion but I’ve been able to keep the lingering funk that usually accompanies flashback events at bay. I’m still emotionally all over the place in the mornings, and ever so greatful that I don’t have to interact with team members or customers at work. I mean I say hi to everyone and occasionally carry on conversation but I’m not required to interact. I can stay grounded by chopping my produce, and let the waves calmly pass over me until I settle in. 

I don’t know that it’s because I’m aware of it now, or my symptoms have gotten worse over the years. It feels worse getting back into the foodservice industry, but maybe it only feels worse because I had gotten better inbetween. Or maybe I jumped the gun on going off my meds… when I was staying at home I didn’t need them, but adding on the additional stress of work I might have to go back to something… at least until my brain settles the eff back down.