Chemical Confusion

Whew! It’s been about three week since I stopped taking my meds. My doctor finally returned my call (a week later, but hey she’s at a big practice and has a lot of patients) and gave me her blessing to continue to go without meds as long as I feel comfortable doing so. I had a follow up appointment and all of my vitals and such look great. As long as my symptoms are under control I can remain med free! Now I just have to get back to the gym and rebuild the muscle tone I lost, and hopefully get rid of some of this pudge around my middle left over from my c-section and med weight gain. 

Getting off my meds also seemed to help me process the break in. My triggers aren’t nearly as sensitive, and I haven’t had any flashbacks in almost two weeks. Little hasn’t had any issues with nightmares about men in her room recently, and everyone finally seems to be pulling out of it. 

I had my angry moment the other day sitting in traffic on the way to a job interview. Apparently my healthy way to express anger is screaming along to angry metal music. I got a few weird looks being the mom in professional attire and minivan blasting eff you songs while screaming along, but I was able to express my anger without hurting myself or anyone else. I even got the job! Lol. 

Well I was offered the job, but I had to turn it down due to scheduling conflicts. They wanted me to work an overlapping shift with Hubs and I couldn’t do it. One of us has to stay home with the kids. Not only do we make to much money to be elidgible for State services, yet somehow not enough to pay nearly $1000 a week for childcare, working second shift there are zero day care options after 6pm. One of us has to be home with the kids, and that’s just the way it has to be right now.

Which was another rage fest inducing event. Six years Hubs has been trying to get me back into the workforce. I finally get myself to a place where I can do just that in terms of recovery, and the kids being secure in their attachment bonds but now I can’t take any jobs I’ve been offered!! This is three. Three that I’ve had to turn down. 

It’s like well eff. What am I supposed to do now?! We don’t need the money so I’m not freaking out about finding a job, but I am disappointed. I was looking forward to getting back to work. Having some adult interaction will be a nice change of pace after being sequestered with my kids for so long. Lol. I’m ready to get myself back out there and take on this new phase of my adult life. 

It will happen eventually. Apparently, I need to keep working on my patience and faith. Pssssssh…. as if. Lol.