A Little Off

Brace yourselves everyone. I’m off my meds. *suspenseful music* I think it’s a good thing. Right now it seems to be anyway. Over the holiday weekend, I just felt awful. My arms and legs were going intermittently numb, I was having brain zaps, I was exhausted all the time unless I had a bunch of caffeine through out the day, things just weren’t right. I called my doctor, but she was on vacation. The nurse never called me back, so I had to take things into my own hands. I had some pills left from previous attempts to control my PTSD which worked fairly well, and I’ll always have my emergency panic attack meds on hand after my last bout of panic induced ER visits. I decided to stop taking my current med and see what happened.

I felt a zillion times better, after just 24hrs off of my meds physically speaking anyway. The emotional affects haven’t quite happened yet. I’m still waiting to hear back from my doctor’s office, but right now I feel normal, stable, and much better than the disgusting whatever it was before I stopped taking them. I think it was the fact that I was too happy over the weekend and inadvertently “overdosed” my system on serotonin… or something wonky happened to my blood sugar. It would have been nice to hear from my doctor to find out what actually happened. Whatever it was definitely seems to be related to my meds, so for now I’m taking a break.

That was always my goal to get off of them once I got settled back in at home anyway. I just would have rather done it with my doctor instead of all willy nilly by myself. I guess we’ll see what happens in the next few weeks as my body completely adjusts to the lack of chemical balancing and if I need something or not.

I’m also kind of curious if it’s my meds interfering with my ability to completely process the break in at my apartment. That was the first trauma I’ve endured while medicated. It might explain why I’m having sort of half feelings about everything. Where I’ll start to feel something, like my anger over Little’s victimization, but then it will vanish. As soon as Little stopped having issues with her nightmares my anger waned before I even really had a chance to feel it. It was like: “this is anger! This is good! I need to feel this!” And then it was gone.

If my meds are numbing my emotions I don’t want them. I need to temper my emotions, yes. Numbing them is only putting a bandaid over the wound that will continue to fester until I deal with it. In the past I’ve had issues with coping because I felt too much. This round I’m having trouble coping because I can’t feel anything at all lol. Wtf…

Or I guess it could just be the trauma itself. This is the first trauma I’ve experienced without a complete grasp on what happened since I started my therapy. I went through the miscarriages with my Hubs, but never something like the break in. Of course if my flashbacks end up being genuine memories of what happened, it could take years for my feelings to come around with or without meds.