Not only have I been wrestling with flashbacks of the break in at my apartment, Little has been struggling with her own. They only seem to bother her when her stress threshold reaches a certain point. As much as I hoped and wished for her to avoid it, she seems to have inherited the PTSD gene or series of genes or whatever genetic factor that contributes to a predisposition toward unresolved trauma.
We’re navigating these uncharted waters together. I’m able to cope with my own struggles, and I’m doing my best to teach her age appropriate coping techniques. All of her emotions are relatively new territory being so young, and what I’ve shared with her seems to be helping at least redirect her mind away from her memories.
It’s been heart breaking to watch her going through this. Heart breaking, and in a selfish way helpful for my recovery. It sounds callous and uncaring, I know. Slow your roll there Judgemental Judies. Let me explain…
Helping my Little overcome these fears, has unlocked my repressed anger response. I’ve figured out why I turned it off not so many years ago. The latent borderline tendencies mean that I don’t really have any sort of healthy anger as an emotion. I have RAGE, which is different from anger only in its violent expression. The only way I could figure out how to control my violent streak was to repress any and all forms of anger in my emotional Rolodex.
This has struck just enough of a nerve to stir the beast from it’s slumber. Now I just have to find a healthy way to express it. I still have a firm grip on the reigns. I won’t be running off on some sort of violent crime spree or anything. That’s just it. I need to discover exactly what works to express my anger in a healthy way. I can’t repress it anymore, but I can’t self destruct in a blaze of homicidal glory either. Just like greif and love I need to find my balance. I need to pull the anger out of my RAGE like some sort of emotional sieve. Being pissed about my daughter being victimized at such a young age is good. Drinking myself into a stupor and letting her fend for herself is not good. Plotting violent revenge fantasies, also not good. Not as bad as acting on them, but still not healthy to dwell on and feed the anger.
I’m really struggling with this. It comes and goes like a wave. One moment I’m angry trying to figure out what to do with my anger, and the next I almost feel guilty for being angry about the entire situation in the first place. I mean I tend to go back and forth between extremes fairly regularly after a triggering event, but this one is especially difficult. I’m really struggling with it, especially when Little begins struggling. The back and forth between the RAGE and guilt and sadness it’s starting to wear on me and I just want to stand at the top of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs.
All of my other emotions I can deal with through my writing. Anger doesn’t seem to be one that takes to the pen very well. Kind of like those revenge fantasies, putting the feelings down on the page seems to enhance them as opposed to quelling them. So… I’m not entirely sure what to do with it. I’m glad I’ve at least found it… now I just have to figure out how to express it I guess.