Break the Cycle 

Last week B2 had his second developmental evaluation through the state early intervention program, meaning the state was back in my home evaluating everything again. 

The results were encouraging. He does need some physical therapy to catch up on his gross motor skills, and his adaptive skills are slightly behind right now, but they think once his gross motor skills get up to par he’ll quickly catch up on his adaptive skills. They’re also going to do a lot of interstate agency communication with our program in Indiana so he shouldn’t have any lapse or delays in his therapy when we move. Winning all around as long as our county in Indiana is as helpful as our county in Ohio has been. The program is structured very much the same, but Indiana has a smaller tax base being a smaller State so… I’m crossing my fingers that B2 will have the same or really close to the same resources, AND I’m hoping we can get enough support this year before we lose these state funded programs all together in the coming year. 

I will get my son the help he needs with out without state funded programs, but Hubs pays his taxes every pay check. There’s no reason not to take advantage of these programs while they exist. We’re eligible for them, might as well use them. ANYWAY… that’s a different rant lol. Back on topic here… 

All of those things were encouraging in their own right, but the most encouraging thing that came from the evaluation was a comment from the team as they were getting ready to leave. B2 being the focus of the evaluation I got an actual score for his emotional and social development. He’s significantly ahead of his peers, and they noted that all of the kids seemed to be doing exceptionally well in this area. 

After they left and I put all the kids down for their nap I sat down and just started bawling, overwhelming happy tears. A little bit of history here: my disorders stem from growing up with a narcissistic emotionally abusive mom. One of my biggest fears (and greatest motivation for recovery) is that I will unintentionally harm my children the same way, simply because I never had a good example for healthy parenting. I’m trying to learn as I go, and it’s a huge challenge. Sometimes I catch myself saying something to Little that is a distant echo of something said to me, and it scares me. 

I know I’m not a perfect parent by any means, but to have the validation, knowing that even though I have my slip ups I’m nothing like my own mother was something I didn’t know I needed to hear until I actually heard it. I’m still tearing up about it, honestly. It’s such a relief. 

Recovery is hard work, struggling to maintain a healthy balance with my disorders is a nightmare and a half sometimes but if I accomplish nothing else in this life my kids are loved and well cared for. That’s the biggest victory I could ever ask for. Even if I never make it back to school to finish my education. Even if I have to stay on my current meds, or add new ones indefinitely preventing me from returning to my goal size six. Even if I have to go back to working in fast food or restaurants due to my lack of education. Breaking the cycle of abuse is the biggest victory I ever could have hoped for, and I did it. I’m not my mother. That means more to me than anything else in this life. I’m celebrating today, and digging my heels in to keep fighting my internal battle against my disorders. Recovery is possible, with enough determination and hard work. People can change.