Rear View 20/20

So I had my angry moment last week with the mess of trauma anniversaries in February, and now I’m able to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Well not all of it, since trauma isn’t a laughing matter but a good portion of it. The most recent anniversary anyway, amused me for most of the day yesterday. 

It was Break Up Boomerang Round 1 day… or at least that event was on my mind upon waking. I honestly don’t remember the actual date, just that it was around my mom’s birthday before the end of February. Thinking about the end made me think back to the beginning, and that’s where I got the humor out of it all. 

So let me try to streamline this for you here… forget about the deep emotional impact I was reeling from after the rape, assault, and all the other intricacies between my ex and I for a moment. It’s not as simple as I’m presenting here, but for the sake of ease all of those details aren’t important right now. Right now, all that’s important is that from April-May we were hooking up. We weren’t dating, we weren’t exclusive, we were just screwing around no strings attached, until one night I came up to his place and he wanted more than our usual menu. 

We talked about it, and I said no. I wasn’t interested unless we were exclusive. If he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else but me? Sure. If he wanted to still sleep around with whomever? No. What did he do? He said: “sure, we can make this exclusive.” All he was after was ten minutes of pleasure, and instead ended up trying to keep up with ten YEARS of his own lies. It was that moment, sitting there realizing that fact I literally laughed out loud. 

Mostly because I immediately thought of this weird look his dad would always give him, as he was lamenting about any sort of trouble he found himself in. My ex would be talking and his dad would get this look where his eyes would sort of glaze over, and you could see him struggling to follow the logic behind the choices and then he would sigh and shake his head before helping clean up the mess left in his son’s irrational, reckless wake. 

I laughed because I did the same thing thinking about why we found ourselves in the mess that was our time together. *deep sigh, shake head* The same qualities that make my ex, so toxic, and so dangerous for my mental health, are they exact same things that make him so goddamn endearing. He is either the world’s best conartist, playing the dishelved, reckless abandon con extremely well or genuinely lacks the foresight to anticipate consequences beyond instant gratification. 

I’m just glad I can finally laugh about it. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride, especially in these past three years as I’ve been working through the trauma. It’s encouraging to finally be clawing my way out of the holds of grief and depression. To slowly feel these anniversary dates become meaningless again.