Every Friday Spotify issues an automated play list called Release Radar. Often it isn’t the latest releases but some from a few weeks back. This song shuffled in last Friday, and it really struck a cord with my own personal struggles with self doubt recently.
I know I’m on the right path for healing from the various abuses I’ve survived. I have an excellent therapist guiding my way, friends, support groups, and healthy coping mechanisms. I’m on the right track, in all essence ever so slowly winning the battle against my mental illness. Yet are times when I feel like I’ve lost such a vital part of my world, moving away from all of the unhealthy things that I’ve been exposed to since birth. My rational mind says: this is a good thing. This is healthy, and this is necessary. My emotional heart says: OMG PANIC. YOU ARE SACRIFICING YOURSELF, THE VERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING, YOU AND THIS BREAKAWAY FROM THESE COMFORTABLE, FAMILIAR THINGS IS SO DEVASTATINGLY WRONG.
Being someone who’s always relied on my emotions to serve as a compass for my actions, it’s been so overwhelmingly difficult to continue to make the right choices in the face of adversity. It feels like I’m losing everything that made up my identity in favor of a new one. It feels like I’m creating the false self that I’ve been fighting for so long. It feels that way, but the more I learn the more I continue on this path I’ve come to realize that the things that shaped my identity in the past were my survival instincts in overdrive. The identity I’m losing is the protective false self shell. I don’t want to live in that shell anymore even as painful as it is to consciously, and mindfully separate myself from it.
I am winning, even though my heart feels lost right now.