I miss my husband. I’ve been battling with the separation depression ever since we began our long distance marriage, but with everything else that happened with my mom, my broken hand, scrapping the build, 2016’s general crappiness, I haven’t really had a chance to address it or express it. I finally allowed myself to really feel it a few nights ago. I sat on my bed texting him, and bawling like a baby for half an hour.
I just want his voice and his second hand smoke and his beardy kisses and crusty deodorant underarm snuggles. His anxious fidgets, and random youtube videos and talk of trapping and hunting and work inventory. His dirty socks stuffed behind the couch, and his toenail clippings hiding in the carpet and his laundry piled up so high in the bathroom that I can barely open the door. I want all of my left overs from dinner eaten, and the sound of the tv playing all night long after he falls asleep, and all the empty toilet paper rolls stacked up with OCD precision on the back of the toilet but never in the trash can, and his beard trimming messes in the sink. I want all of those things, and all of the other things that drive me batty when I see them every day, but I miss terribly now because the lack of all those things means that he’s not here with me.
I want him to know that my writing is a primary outlet for my greif, and my poetry isn’t wrought by love. My intricate prose surrounding the ghosts of my past isn’t nostalgia. It’s a eulogy for a part of my identity born in trauma. A missing piece that I’m aware of, but no longer want in my life. I want him to understand that he shouldn’t feel obligated or insecure because he doesn’t fill that void. That piece is designed to remain empty, in a healthy, loving relationship. I just have to adjust to it.
I want him to know that he is enough just the way he is, even when I’m constantly hounding him to become a better person, challenging him to grow and reach his full potential. Things that are easily within his reach if he could brush aside his self loathing, and doubts.
I want him. Only him, now and forever. Til death.