Truth, Lies, and Alibis

Two years ago when I first set out to publish the worst of my most recent traumas, I wrote this post: I Should Tell Them kind of getting into the intracicies of why I kept the secret of my sexual assaults from my parents for so long. Over the weekend, I finally told them. 

I didn’t sit down and have a conversation about it with them, I can’t physically talk about it without sending myself into a panic attack no matter who I’m discussing it with really, but I did print out an article I wrote in October and share it with them. Well, I shared it with my dad and gave him permission to share it with my mom, but I’m not entirely sure if he did or didn’t yet because my mom is busy getting ready for a funeral this week. Plus I made it very clear that I didn’t want to discuss it beyond what I shared in the article so we (hopefully) won’t discuss it. 

My dad and my Hubs share the same level head. They don’t really get flustered by much of anything, but as I handed my dad the six printed pages that made up the article, he read the first paragraph and jumped out of his chair yelling: “I knew something else happened with him! I could never figure out what it was, but I knew it was more than just a bad break up.” He didn’t even read the entire article and he was ready to hulk smash things. I’ve only seen my dad get that upset twice in my entire life, both times relating to run ins with my ex. Lol. 

So that’s done. It was really the last part of my recovery surrounding the entire event that I had yet to address. I don’t really feel any different, but at least now when they ask me about how things are going in relation to all of that mess I can just be honest instead of making up vague reasons/statements trying to avoid the pain of the truth. I’m also hoping they’ll really grasp the severity of the situation now and stop sort of dismissing it  as me being overly emotional.

I mean, duh, I am emotional which is perfectly understandable when you know the severity and specifics of everything that happened. Just sort of coming in blind with me not being unable to verbally articulate why I’m that way doesn’t make any sense. Lol. I get it, but that doesn’t make speaking about the events any easier, so we’ll see what happens in the next few days and weeks. It’s anyone’s guess really.

Even if we do end up talking about it at some point it will be good for me. That’s really my next phase of treatment right now. Working on my ability to verbalize what happened to me, is the next step. I’ve been able to put things in perspective using my blog, writing about it in general, now I have to get my actual voice on par with my figurative voice. Especially if I ever end up in court over this stuff. I have to be able to talk about it with the same grace and poise I write about it with. 

My therapist has been working on exercises with me the past few sessions we’ve had, and I’m slowly starting to get my voice back. I didn’t really know that I lost it over the past few years, but it’s become pretty obvious as I try to navigate my way around the adult world I’ve never learned how to really correctly interact with anyone. My brash, curt, unfiltered self was endearing in my early 20’s. Not so much now as I’m coming up on 30 lol. 

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