Fading Into Apathy

So much stuff happened over the past few days. The Trump inauguration, having Hubs home with me for the weekend, the Women’s March, changing our housing plans at the very last possible second AGAIN, finally telling my parents about the extent of the abuse I suffered during my previous relationship, and the loss of my uncle who’s been battling mesothelioma for a really long time.

I have thoughts and feelings about every single one of those events but my brain is completely overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all and I can’t figure out a way to get all of my thoughts and feelings out onto the page. I don’t know if it’s a side effect of my medication, or the fact that my writing has always been a form of hypergraphia, and primarily emotionally driven. Basically a coping mechanism for my intrusive thought patterns. Now that the meds are taking care of that… I kind of just sit here staring at my cursor for a while before getting called away to tend to the kids. If I don’t sit down to write about my thoughts and feelings at the VERY MOMENT I experience them, I kind of lose them.

It feels like I’ve become somewhat apathetic, at least in my expression of my feelings. I still HAVE the feelings, so that’s good, but I’m not quite able to capture them and put them to paper like I have in the past. It’s some what of an adjustment. I don’t really want to lose all of my feelings, but at the same time I am SO THANKFUL that I’ve finally been able to trigger the accurate emotional response. I get to feel, and I get to let go of those feelings too instead having them bouncing around in my brain until I can’t stand it and start exhibiting physical symptoms. At least much more than I have in the past. Some things that really trigger me still get stuck, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was at the end of last year.

I guess it’s just another swing of the pendulum of my recovery. I went too far one way, and now I’m sort of swinging back the other way. Eventually I’ll find the balance I’m looking for… Hopefully before I completely dissolve into an apathetic mess. lol.