I’m a scientist at heart, so my social media has been wrought with little blurbs about my rollercoaster of emotions trying to adjust to these meds. So far, I’m really not a fan of them at all. They do help my anxiety, which is a HUGE relief on the rest of my physical body, but my brain is taking it’s sweet time and trying on all the emotions as accessories to my new normal. Lol.
I love that I’m alert and aware enough to take care of the kids. I was worried about being a sedated, barely functioning, lump like I was after whatever they gave me in the ER, but this med doesn’t seem to really affect my sleep or awareness. Winning!
It does have its downsides, which is why I’m thankful the entire process is only temporary. (Yes, my doctor actually put me on a six month plan. The goal is to get me through these rough months with out Hubs and re-evaluate once we get settled back into our new home and old routines.) I feel like I’m disconnected from the world. Not dissociated, not Fugue, but sort of unplugged if that makes sense?
I’ve always relied on my intuition and ability to sort of sense energies of situations and people. Now instead of everything being at my fingertips as it where, it feels like I’m living in a fishbowl. Everything is sort of muted. Like the sensations are still there, but it’s like someone turned down the volume. Or as I put it in discussion with a friend, maybe this is normal, and it’s only creeping me out because I’ve been turned up on 11 for so long?
So we have that, and then the random tears forever and always streaming down my face in recent days. I’m not sad, I’m not depressed, I’m not particularly emotive one way or another but my eyes are basically just leaking tears no matter what I’m doing lol. That, I’m hoping is part of the adjustment phase and will run its course when my body gets used to this. Or I’ll have to try something different lol.
The other thing that’s a little disconcerting is the fact that without my anxiety I also have ZERO filter to my mouth. I mean, I’m a pretty scrappy girl already but without the nagging “what ifs” swirling around in my head? I’m extra feisty and really have to think about consequences to my actions. I’m aware of them, so it’s not a grandiose, or invincibility thing but it’s kind of gone from “OMG if I do this a, b, c, d, or e could happen!!” To “if I do this…hell let’s see what happens!” which could go very badly for me in a million different circumstances lol.
I’ve put myself on a very tight leash until everything settles down. I have people checking in on me several times a day, and people proofreading my blog. It’s supposed to take a month to really see how this is going to go. We’re on week three. So far? Better than I thought, still not great.