22 years I’ve been able to manage my PTSD related anxiety in various ways without medication. Self medicating or prescribed medication. That 22 years ended over the weekend with my third trip to the ER for a panic attack that just would not quit. Two hours my brain was stuck on DEFCON FIVE PANIC MODE, before I finally broke down and headed in and spent another three hours going through all the usual battery of tests when one shows up feeling short of breath, anxious, and speaking of heart issues. After that they determined what I already knew, it was a panic attack, they administered some hardcore sedative (which took another two hours to metabolise and actually work) and I went on my way, with a prescription and an appointment to see a local doctor on Thursday for a more thorough evaluation.
Yep. 2016 destroyed all of the healthy coping mechanisms I’d had in place and now here we are resorting to meds. Which isn’t anything to be ashamed of. They created these medications to help people in need, I definitely have a need for them, I just have an aversion to all things medical after being a guinea pig in the early 90’s for all sorts of experimental allergy treatments. Mom trying so badly to “fix” me so I wouldn’t continue to be a nusance not feeling well and wanting her attention. More of that childhood trauma I’ve been avoiding in recent therapy sessions… ANYWAY…
So I’m not thrilled going down this path, but I’m definitely tired of ninja like panic attacks sending me to the ER. If it’s not my heart, and they can’t seem to find an infection even though my white blood cell count is elevated, it has to be my broken brain throwing all of my other bodily symptoms out of whack. I mean, there’s really nothing else it could be at this point. So… to off to a psychiatrist I go, instead of my beloved therapist. Which really isn’t fair to the counseling profession.
I was making huge strides forward in my recovery, everything was going so well; then we sold our house, moved, I was assaulted and broke my hand; then everything else just totally went to SHIT. It feels like everyone who ever took advantage of me saw me stumble after my broken hand and said: “oooooh look she’s vulnerable! ATTACK!” So I’ve been busy fighting them off one by one, the political circus that was the US election, the results of that election, raising three kids by myself, being away from my Hubs and my friends. Really, it’s pretty impressive that I’ve been able to keep it together this long without a lot of help.
At least I got an appointment before the end of the year, before the holidays even so hopefully with this new direction for my continued care 2017 will be a much better year.