The Next Chapter

I’m not pregnant. Although with the way my luck has been running lately I wouldn’t be surprised, even after taking the steps to permanently put the kibosh on future pregnancies. Lol. No, I’m glad that chapter of my life is over. Not the healthy pregnancies which resulted in my Littles, but the anticipation, anxiety, hope, and devastation when I lost pregnancies like the one commemorated with this picture.  

After eighteen months of trying, one previous loss with Hubs, we had a positive. I waited a few more days and took two more tests just to be certain.  After three positive pregnancy tests, and figuring out my last period which put me at seven weeks, everything was going well or so I thought. Then came the eight week  ultrasound, where it was discovered that I had a blighted ovum. I had lost the baby weeks before, but my body had yet to catch up with hormone production, and the ugly, painful parts of miscarriage. 

Even though my doctor offered me different methods to initiate the end of the cycle immediately, I chose to wait it out for three more weeks until nature took its course. I would have just been 12 weeks when the final stages of the miscarriage began. 

It hit me hard. Much harder than my previous losses, only because I was so sure everything would go well with my three positive tests, a healthy, successful pregnancy resulting in my daughter, and no indication that this pregnancy would be any different. We made Christmas cards for my parents, and Kevin’s parents including this picture with the projected due date never expecting anything to go wrong.

Then, on Dec 29th we learned the truth and it sent me on a downward spiral of PTSD relapse resulting in a lot of other lingering issues being brought to light, which I was able to address in the few months between this loss, and the conception of my Twins. It was an enormous healing experience over all, so today it’s not a sad memory so much as a footnote. A brief pause to remember the Little I never got to meet, and an excuse to hug the ones I have been blessed with.