Black and White

So it’s not exactly a secret that I’ve been having a rough time lately. If my life was a bowl of potato chips on a coffee table, it got violently flipped over with the circumstances leading to my broken hand, scattering pieces hither and yon all over the place. 

What’s worked in the past for my coping and recovery has now become my enemy. 1+1 does not equal 2 anymore.  My black and white thinking has made an appearance for the first time in over a decade as I’m desperately trying to regain my footing. It’s not a breakdown, because I’m still able to function. The kids are cared for, I’ve neglected my gym time, but otherwise I’m doing well with my own self care; it just seems to be my relationships with other people that are suffering right now. 

Even my therapist is having a difficult time understanding the amount of wtf going on in my life at the moment. Especially after I’ve been doing so well up until a few months ago. Now all of the sudden, even though I’m using the tools she’s taught me, I’m making healthy choices for the most part, and I’m continuing to do everything I had been doing to get better? Today all of those things are wrong, and I should stop doing them. 

Like I’m sitting there across from her and listening, while she’s saying “A+B=C. If you do A: which is this, and B: which is this, you’ll get to C.”

I’m like: “okay, got it. A is this. I’m doing this. Great! B is this. I’m having a little trouble with B, but it’s okay. I’m working towards bettering myself with B. I can do that. I’m still not getting to C.”

Then we have the awkward moment where she looks at me with all of her experience, and education and says: “No, you can’t be doing A and B if you’re not getting to C. Are you doing this in regards to A? Is this the reason you’re having trouble with B?” 

I answer, then we get to this point: “I can’t help you if you aren’t going to be honest about your feelings.”

I had to chuckle a bit at that one, because the reason for my crisis was me being honest; then dealing with how everyone got upset after the fact. I’m over here standing up for myself and setting boundaries where I’ve neglected them in the past, which is what I’m supposed to be doing to get better. In the process of doing that all of my abusers are freaking out and coming at me with vicious force. Some physically, most mentally but that’s where most of my abuse has always been focused on. The mental circus of crazy making by narcissists. I expected most of the reactions so it’s been a challenge, but I felt like I was doing okay. I dealt with it, I shut them down; then moved on from there. 

It felt like I was breaking free of the chains that have held me back for so long. I’m a person, I’m valid, I’m important: they don’t get to treat me that way anymore. I’m not going to be the doormat I have been in the past. It was great, until the things that happened when my abusers retaliated. 

When everyone began to retaliate: the kids and I no longer had a place to live so we had to scrap the build. Couldn’t find an apartment close to home in the very limited time frame we had after scrapping the build so we’re living a part putting strain on our marriage. Couldn’t find anyone to take the dog, Hubs’ ex volunteered so we went with it, which was healing over all for me, but might have contributed to Hubs’ recent freak out. He hasn’t said it, but I’m wondering if that didn’t have something to do with it being particularly bad this year. It’s just been one thing after another as a direct result of standing up to that first abuser, my first abuser, and how she reacted creating this domino effect of ensuing chaos.

I go to my therapist to talk about it and get the help I need to stay on track, only to be met with confusion, and chastised for finally doing what she’s been encouraging me to do for the past three years. 

I’m being honest about my feelings, but that’s wrong. I’m not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling by doing A+B, so that’s wrong. My husband is guilty of the same behaviors that have been described as abusive and toxic when exhibited by others in my life, but when he does it I’m supposed to be merciful and forgiving. ONLY when my husband does these things though, because everyone else (who are labeled as abusers) deserves my self righteous anger. 

I’m feeling very lost right now. I want to get better, but I’ve made a mistake somewhere along the line and it’s working against me now. I’m not giving up, willing to continue working with my therapist until we can figure it out,  and explore other options with whatever needs to be done. I’ve hit a significant snag here for some reason, but I’ll be damned if I completely unravel. 

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