Hubs came up to visit us Saturday and Sunday. As usual the moment he saw the kids and spent time with me, everything was right as rain again and he refused to discuss our fight any further.
That’s usually how it goes. I tell him to leave; then I suddenly go from the spawn of hell to the highest angel. In the past that used to be okay. I was willing to just sort of accept his mood swings for what they are and keep on keeping on. This time it’s hard. Not because I don’t love him, and not because I don’t want our marriage to work. This fight just keeps happening. We never reach much of a resolution, everything just gets put on the back burner until it explodes again next year.
I’m exhausted trying to convince my husband that I love him. I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know why it’s so important that I have to. I’ve done everything I can think of. I talk about my problems, I don’t talk about my problems. I blog, I stop blogging. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, have dinner ready for him every night when we’re living in the same space, I let him disappear for hours to have alone time to pursue his own hobbies and interests with out complaint, and yet he still doesn’t feel appreciated or wanted. I don’t get it.
I can’t erase my past. I can’t suddenly wake up and not have my disorders anymore. I could try to pretend they weren’t there, but that just fosters guilt, contributes to dissociation and repression. My identity is fragile enough, I’m not going to give up the reality I fought so hard to come to terms with just to make someone else comfortable. It’s not going to happen. It’s just not. If that’s what he wants/needs/expects I’m not sure we really can move forward with our marriage even if we both want to.
I know even if we do continue with our marriage we certainly can’t fight the way we fought this past weekend, because that’s not good for anyone.