Coffee Buzzed

My delicious bean beverage has turned on me. I discovered after adding it back into my morning rituals that it makes my mind too cluttered, disorganized, and overstimulated. It’s like racing intrusive thoughts, but instead of being hyper focused on one thing it’s multi focused on everything. It inhibits my ability to communicate, I’m forgetting to complete tasks and it makes my abs twitchy. Yes, my abs get twitchy after I have so much caffeine. The weirdest place for a muscle twitch but, it is what it is. Lol. 

So, I’ll have to cut back or find another alternative. I don’t mind doing decaf, but it’s hard to find in my beloved Starbucks pre ground selection. I’ve been making it at home in the interest of saving money and not dragging the kids across town every morning. Plus I’m not a huge fan of the way the decaf beans are processed either. I don’t know. I love my coffee, but I also love not enduring a racing mind, being able to finish my tasks and not forgetting everything so… Here we are.

Although I’m also hoping getting back to the gym might take care of a lot of my focusing issues. It’s not actually the caffeine that causes my cluttered thoughts, it just enhances the effect. I’m always going a million miles a minute, it’s just not as bad when I get out and physically exert myself.

Pitfalls of PTSD alteration in brain chemistry. Also a downside to being high functioning. I’m okay 90% of the time without medication, but that 10% where I’m not gets me into all sorts of trouble. It’s not worth it to be medicated all the time for a few rogue “attacks” so to speak, but I just can’t seem to get beyond my 90% “normal” no matter what I do. Even in remission, it feels like all I’ll ever achieve is 90% and it is disheartening to say the least. I want to enjoy a cozy cup of coffee to sooth the blow, but that will get me nowhere lol.