Stormy Seas

Hubs has bipolar with severe anxiety. It doesn’t become an issue very often, but when it does EVERYTHING gets knocked for a loop. I’ve been trying to encourage him to get back to the doctor and start his meds again for the past several years to no avail. Last time he was on them was nearly a decade ago and he experienced some awful side effects. He’s scared, the anxiety is on overdrive, and everything else began to implode on him this week. 

I’ve been fairing pretty well during our time apart. Taking care of two infants and a preschooler by myself is definitely a challenge, fighting off the depression that comes with being alone is a constant battle, I miss Hubs’ companionship, I miss getting out of the house and going to the gym every day; it’s just been difficult here for a while. Instead of focusing on the difficulties I’ve been looking for the positive things and sharing them with Hubs trying to lighten the mood.

That was apparently not a good idea. I’ve known something was bothering him for a while, but yesterday he finally snapped. He doesn’t yell, but words and accusations were thrown around and it hit me hard. Mostly because it was a total surprise. I thought we were both doing exceptionally well with our current situation and he’s been harboring these worries for months now either unable or unwilling to tell me and I’m all over here making everything worse by remaining optimistic. 

We were able to work it out… Sort of. As much as we can work it out when he’s still resistant to seeking professional help. He relies so heavily on me and his various addictions to cigarettes and soft drinks to maintain his stability. I love him regardless, and yet I’m tired. It’s exhausting being the stronger member in the relationship. The lynch pin to keeping our entire world together. I finally just flat out told him that. I can only help him as much as he’s willing to help himself. If he is still overcome with his anxiety in spite of the accomidations I do my best to provide for him; it’s time for a professional to step in and take over. He can either accept that, or continue to be miserable. If he is indeed miserable, and continues to make unreasonable accusations and demands he has the choice to leave. 

I hated to say those words. I wasn’t nearly so kind when I said it to him. It had to be done, for the stability of our home but it killed me to do it. Especially considering his biggest fear and anxiety trigger is that I’ll leave him because I’m unhappy. 

I know bipolar anxiety doesn’t make sense; that’s why it’s a disorder but it hurts that he thinks I’m going to leave him. He’s attracted to me in the first place because I’m independent, and capable of taking care of myself and the kids without much help. But he’s petrified of me for the very same reasons, and his mind flip flops back and forth between the two constantly. He loves me because he needs me and he doesn’t understand how my love for him is genuine with out a need tacked on. 

Apparently that’s a really common belief these days, because I keep running into it everywhere. You can’t love me, because you don’t need me. Wtf kind of love is that? Why would you want that? I don’t get it… I guess I never really will.