Fighting the Future

Being the best thing for our family right now, I don’t realize how much I miss my Hubs when we’re apart. I’m just sort of resolved to the idea that this is how it has to be and we’ll be fine so I tend not to dwell on it. But then, he comes home to us on the weekend or like this past weekend has a few extra days during the holiday to spend with us and my heart explodes with happiness. It’s then I realize how much I miss him on a daily basis. 

Aside from celebrating the holiday over the weekend we also managed to find a new apartment. It’s still forever away from his job so he won’t be able to stay with us, but it’s not where we’re currently at and I can have a little room to process and detox a little bit. It’s going to be quite a challenge moving the kids again, especially now that the twins have outgrown their infant car seats. Carrying two babies and trying to keep an almost 4 year old from getting away while trying to get all of them in the car is going to be fun… I’m hoping that I can find a grocery delivery service at our new place because I’m really not sure how I’ll manage it without one lol. 

But those are all minor things. I’m so relieved to be out of that previous place, you have NO idea. I’m also apprehensive because where we ended up, and the situation as a whole has been a recurring dream of mine for a while. Even before the twins were born, I always saw myself at this place with kids, girl and boys on my own. Of course in my dream it was because my Hubs was killed in a work accident and I was COMPLETELY on my own, but that’s what gives me chills as we move forward with this.

I think a big part of my recent struggle has been just that. My intuition kicking in, watching all these various events I’ve seen before in my dreams fall into place and the overwhelming dread and anticipation that comes with it. Hubs usually takes his motorcycle to work during the summer but I’ve told him not to while we’re apart as if some how I can fight the intended future before me. Of course I don’t really KNOW what that future is, I can just sense a massive change, a shift on the horizon and I don’t like it. I’ve been here before, on the cusp of my life changing forever sending me headlong into something I never wanted to face. Even as prepared as I was for it, it still knocked me off my feet. 

I don’t want to face those challenges. I’ve been kicking and screaming my way into it, but now much like I’ve become resolved to a long distance marriage, I’ve accepted that what will come will come. Once more into the fray…