Like Fire

Blargh, merp, other incoherent babbling whiney sounds.

After my hand thing happened, all of these people from my past have taken some sort of renewed interest in my well being. The people who never paid any attention to my struggling and reaching out for help when they were actually involved in my life, which is why they ended up in my past. The people who always told me I was crazy but never took the time to actually help me figure out why I had disordered behavior. Yes… Those people.

Most of them are from my parents church, which is the church I attended until I was old enough to decide otherwise. That has nothing to do with my faith, or belief in a higher power, it has mostly to do with the fact that everyone there ignored me, or wrote me off as a rebel heathen child, or lost cause. But now, now when I’m about to end up in an ugly legal battle over he said, she said self defense everyone wants to rush to my aid, step in and offer their wise counsel and advice. Help me through this difficult time.

Ha! No, thank you. I’ve made it just fine on my own up until this point, I think I’ll continue to do just fine. It’s not that I’m angry, or bitter, or anything like that. I’ve just learned to take the mess life throws at me and plow my way through it alone. No, it’s not always easy. Sometimes I struggle with it, and I bitch and whine and cry about it for a while, but then I go to bed. When I wake up, I take care of the kids, I take care of myself, and life goes on.

“But wait! You’re the victim of a crime! The law is involved!” They say. Yeah, well sorry about’cha but you’re WAAAAAAAY late to the party on that one. This is the first time the law has really been involved, but soooooooooooooo many worse things have happened to me aside from a hit to the jaw and a broken hand. Like, this is probably the least traumatic event that’s ever happened to me, and everyone is all about caring now. Although, maybe that’s why? It’s not like one of this big things like rape, attempted murder or suicide. It’s just a little broken hand. It’s so easy.

And you know what, now that I’m writing about it, it’s not the first time the law has been involved. I was held up at gun point working at a restaurant, and my car was stolen. That was a crime, the law was involved in that one. Where was everybody then? Huh? Crickets. There was one person who helped me through that, and several other really awful parts in my life but they’re not around anymore so it doesn’t matter. I’m right back to how it seems my life will always be, and that’s me taking care of business on my own. Except now instead of reaching out, desperately longing for someone to hear me, I’m doing just fine alone and everyone thinks I’m just trying to put on a brave face or something. I don’t know.

I don’t know! I guess the fact that they’re offering now is better late than never. I just don’t know how to explain to people who are shocked and appalled by the atrocity that’s happened here that I am genuinely okay. I got the stamp of approval for proper coping and such from my therapist so… lol. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be doing? What do people expect me to do? I have been and will continue to fight my way through this mess whether anyone stands by my side or not, because I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor, and that’s what survivors do.