Blargh… so it’s time to talk about this. At least as much as I can. I don’t particularly WANT to, but it needs to be done. I found a sitter for the kids yesterday and went on my pilgrimage to the place that inspires intrusive memories around the beginning of July. Well that was my intention, but I got turned around after not visiting for so many years and ended up some place completely different, which should have also had it’s own emotional implications and yet it didn’t. Which is when it occurred to me. I am having a difficult time here recently, but it doesn’t actually have anything to do with my past. WHAT?! I know… it’s a little strange, but it’s the truth. lol.
We’re coming up on a month since I injured my hand. I still can’t really talk about it because it’s wrapped up in the court system, but the safe short version I can mention is that I was assaulted and fought back breaking my hand in the process. THAT is what’s causing my recent emotional upheaval, but since I’m stuck at this apartment where the event happened while we’re waiting for the courts my brain has kicked in to damage control mode, suppressing any and all emotions that get too close to overwhelm. It took me going to a place that usually triggers all sorts of crazy emotions to realize it, but here we are.
It’s not denial or dissociation because I’m aware of what happened and what is currently happening, but emotionally I’ve just shut down. I still have the emotions but when it comes to expressing them, I hit a figurative brick wall and everything shuts down. I haven’t been here in a long time, and it’s going to take a lot of work to get back to where I was in terms of emotional expression after it’s all said and done. Hopefully since I managed to catch it and redirect my mind to the correct trauma I can avoid getting stuck in my old loop. So far, (by some miracle) I have even in the midst of all the insanity that’s happened this year. I’m hoping to keep it up. If I can do that, no matter what else happens I’ll have achieved a small victory of recovery in there somewhere.