About to Burst

And then, it happens. Out of nowhere the tension builds with in my head, until I can no longer bear the twinge and it develops into a full fledge memory induced migraine. It’s not the memories themselves that I’ve repressed, but the emotional energy surrounding them. The residue is still there, even after pouring my heart out last year… the anniversary of an event is coming up and my body just said HA EF YOU HAVE A DISABLING MIGRAINE UNTIL YOU CRY ABOUT THIS AGAIN.

But the other part of my brain, the still dominant PTSD survival part, says: No? Wtf? Why? I’m not going to drop my defenses, becoming mega vulnerable. So what these other chemicals are flying around in there right now, dictating I respond with xyz? Nope. Short circuits ensue, migraine flare up, misery.

That’s exactly what it is… Of course knowing the cause of the problem, and being able to find a solution to the problem are two entirely different things. I don’t know what to do about this aside from pack my bags and make a pilgrimage to the very spot, on the very day (well around the day. I don’t remember the exact date, only the events surrounding a certain week) and hope it inspires some sort of all encompassing emotional release so I don’t have to deal with these migraines anymore.

Or maybe that won’t even work… because now that I’ve started the healing process and finally broken the trauma loop many of the details are fading. Which is FREAKING AWESOME for me in terms of recovery, but difficult as I continue to write about my progress. The more blurred things become the more difficult it is to maintain my level of integrity in presenting my stories and I don’t like that. My goal has always been to deal with what happened and my emotions surrounding things. When the things start to fade leaving the emotions still stuck I don’t exactly know what to do…

It just feels like my head is about to burst with synapses flying around at a million miles an hour. The body remembers what the mind forgets, and it’s relentless.