Mommy Dearest

“When I talk about my feelings I’m “manipulating you” when I stay silent I am “manipulating” you. So I can’t win with you. I don’t exist to you. If you need something ask, otherwise don’t bother talking to me….Why do you even bother going to church and be a hypocrite? You don’t want to hear about God any other time of the week from anybody else. Just stay home and sleep tomorrow.” -My Mother 

Yes… This was my entire childhood in a nutshell, and why she gets no phone call, or card today. Especially today as she’s entered a full blown NPD crisis and is lashing out at everyone in her path searching for a boost in supply. The quote I’ve shared above was directed toward my sister, whom has never previously seen the brunt of my mom’s abuse before. Nope, that was my “job” after birth. 

Which is why my mom is in crisis right now. I’ve finally escaped her grasp after the completion of my course of therapy. Sure she still gets under my skin every once and a while because that’s her specialty as a narcissist, but instead of freaking out like I did in the past I can pretty much turn a blind eye to the entire charade. I’ll entertain her shenanigans for certain events/holidays because she is my mother after all, but aside from that she has no control over me.

When I moved out the last time, her main source of supply became my youngest sister, mostly because she is the youngest and needed the most maternal support. She’s 23, has a part time job, and no plans of ever leaving home. The perfect source of supply, an immature mindset, combined with fear of change. She needs my mom’s abuse to feel complete and secure just as much as my mom needs a victim for the same reasons.

Until… Youngest sister meets boy. Now instead of relying entirely on my mom, she has someone else to fulfill that provider/nurturing roll and is spending more and more time away from home off doing other things with her boyfriend. Which has thrown mom for a complete loop sending her after the only remaining source of supply: my middle sister who has managed to survive 25 years being, basically ignored in terms of the abuse my mom dished out. She was cared for as far as basic needs, but just sort of blended into the back ground of things in terms of mom’s “need”.

So being the primary victim now for the first time, Middle Sister is on the verge of a nervous break down. She was supposed to move into her own place a few weeks ago but that fell through, she has a full time job with benefits but it doesn’t pay enough to provide her with rent for a non-scary part of town which also gives her a substantial commute, and she doesn’t want to drive up to the main campus to finish her degree because it’s in a scary part of town. So, she’s stuck.

It’s just so… I don’t even know. I don’t even know how to describe it. NPD is the worst, growing up with an NPD parent is the worst, navigating life as an ACON (adult child of narcissist) is the worst. There is not one single fraction of your very essence that isn’t affected by it from the moment you’re born until the moment you die. It is the cancer of the soul. A currently untreatable disease that radiates off of the narcissist like heat from the sun. 

Part of my mom’s abuse toward me was always threatening to give me up to the state and put me in foster care. Growing up I was terrified of being sent away. Looking back on it now? I wish she would have made good on her threats. Maybe I wouldn’t have turned out so messed up? Maybe I would have had a better chance. 

At least I have the opportunity to break the cycle with my own Littles. I do still struggle with my mood shifts, but I always try to give my Littles an age appropriate answer to why. Doing so has opened the door for a beautiful dialogue with Little in terms of how she’s feeling. I know I’m not the “perfect” mom by any means, but my kids will be validated and able to communicate their emotions effectively if nothing else.