Sleepless

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh… Hubs is a sleep talker. Which normally wouldn’t be an issue, if it didn’t startle me in the middle of the night, which triggers some disorientation and occasionally flashbacks. It doesn’t happen all the time, only when he’s particularly stressed out about something, or really excited about something. THANK GOD he only has nightmares vs night terrors. There has only been once in our six year span of living together where he crossed the line from nightmare to night terror and took a swing at me. Hyper vigilance perk: I was able to block the blow, and pin him down until he woke up. He was immediately devastated upon waking, but it wasn’t his fault. Sleep disturbances are what they are. That’s been nearly two years ago, but Monday night he started panic sleep yelling. It wasn’t even real words. but mumbled yelling sounds and heavy breathing. Tuesday was rough. It just was. I wasn’t reduced to a blubbering mess like I have been in the past, and I didn’t tick over into full panic mode. Those are small victories, but it did still put me in the backwards frame of mind. Which kind of started a cycle of thoughts and memories that I didn’t want to deal with.

Then, as if Hubs mumble/screaming wasn’t enough Little’s night terrors started again last night. She’ll walk to our room look straight at me, and start talking absolute nonsense for a few moments until she freaks out and starts scream crying inconsolably until she wakes up. The only difference with her is that it doesn’t matter when she’s sleeping for these to occur. More often it’s during nap time than at night, but still so stressful and scary to watch my child bawling in sheer terror with no way for me to help her. I used to hold her until she stopped crying when she was smaller, but now she’s grown so much I can’t even do that. I just have to sit with her until she wakes up.

I’m exhausted because this all happened before 3am yesterday, I haven’t caught up with my sleep because the Littles were flustered all night last night (three different reasons for three different kids lol), I’m frustrated with my disorder, I’m frustrated with myself for not being able to better control my disorder, and I’m just generally in a pissy mood. It’s not a full on depression, but there have been a lot of tears in the quiet moments when I paused from taking care of the kids and my other responsibilities. I hate this. I hate this so much, it feels like it’s radiating off of me today.

I understand the science behind it. That’s what makes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder. The defining piece of the puzzle that makes it different from general anxiety and stress, is the fact that my mind defaults back to traumatic memories when I reach a certain stress threshold. If I was able to get away from those things, I wouldn’t have PTSD. I know that no matter how good I get at controlling the symptoms, the disorder itself isn’t going away. At least not until they finish the medicinal LSD prescription trials, or come up with a different solution than the course of therapy that I’ve already completed. That still doesn’t stop my desire for it to just go the eff away, or ease my frustration. I think it’s worse now when I have a set back like this. It’s not full blown relapse, just a little bump in the road, but it feels so much worse after being rid of these thoughts and feelings for quite a while. At least before treatment, it was constant. I knew something wasn’t right, but it didn’t really bother me, because it had just been there my entire life. It was more detrimental to the people around me than myself when I was living in denial. I don’t want to say I regret starting my treatment, because over all it did improve my life, but at the same time slipping back down the rabbit hole so to speak just gets worse and worse every time it happens after longer periods of stability.

It’s just my broken brain. My brain that’s been broken, undiagnosed, and untreated for 22 years and a perfect storm of horrible circumstances. Trust me on this one: I hate coming back to this place again and again just as much as others. Much like a sleep disturbance, it’s out of my control.