Got it!! I FINALLY figured out what’s been setting me off for the past several Aprils thanks to the magic of Facebook On This Day. It isn’t truly significant and I believe only affected me so much because I was pregnant with Little and highly stressed out due to that. It wasn’t so far back as I thought, but it was before the beginning of my recovery so dealing with it in my inappropriate coping mechanisms I basically retraumatized myself. Absolutely no one’s fault, just a simple misunderstanding and the nature of my disorder before I was in remission. It is what it is, there’s no reason to discuss it in detail.
I’m just so freakin glad I finally figured it out. It was making it worse because I couldn’t remember what happened. I felt something stuck there, but for whatever reason it wouldn’t surface. Which is weird because once I saw the post scroll through my feed it was obvious what happened. I didn’t actually repress anything, I genuinely forgot. Of course at the time I didn’t think it had such a striking affect on me, but apparently it did.
April 3rd was the exact date, and I was sitting at the Nowheresville library where I spent most of my pregnancy since the a/c in our appartment was horrible. I’m kind of surprised I didn’t get kicked out and managed to maintain my composure honestly. Lol. My stomach absolutely dropped to my toes in an instant and for a second I thought I was going to pass out. Then the panic, confusion, sadness, and anger cycled about six times before I was able to move from my comfy chair. Making it even worse, Hubs was at work and I didn’t have anyone to talk to. It was like the trifecta of retraumitization. Isolation, overwhelm, and helplessness. If I had known I was stuck in survivor mode I think I would have handled things much differently and let it roll off my back. Instead, I inadvertently buried everything trying not to raise my heart rate and endanger Little. It’s weird that even though I’ve talked about it before I didn’t really notice how much it got to me. That’s still confusing, but at least I have a starting point aside from random migraines and nightmares.
I’m not sure whether I’m going to cancel my appointment with my GP or not. I’ll probably go just because our copay is affordable and I need a refill on my migraine meds anyway, even if that’s all they are. I really hope that’s the case, but there is another part of me that wonders if they aren’t something else. Or if maybe my recent mood shifts have more relation to my physical brain and less associations with trauma? I wish I just had a team of medical scientists at my disposal all the time to help me figure myself out lol. Where’s Dr. House when you need him?!