Not a joke. I’m really struggling right now. It just happens to be April 1st of all days when I’ve finally been able to articulate what’s going on in my head. Obviously. Lol.
I have been all out of sorts this past week, and I really don’t have any reason to be that I can think of. The way I feel and looking back into my archives has given me a bit of insight with where to start, but the reason itself alludes me.
I feel like my brain is on fire. A lot of that is due to my migraines flaring back up as well, but mostly it feels like overwhelm and foggy aloofness. Not dissociation because I’m grounded and aware, but aloof in the sense that my mind is searching for the cause of this discomfort and drawing a complete blank. Apparently I’ve been feeling this way on or around this date for as long as I’ve been blogging, yet there is no significance to the time frame from March 25th until the beginning of April. In fact, if we’re being completely honest most Aprils are pretty blank. Lots of significant stuff in Nov-March, May-August, but September, October, and April are just sort of empty fillers. Time passes, and that’s it. I’ve given April significance as of last year, but before that? Nope.
So I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know why I feel this way when I simply can NOT recall whatever it is that stirs up this reaction. It goes much deeper than the usual source of my angst in writing, that much I’ve confirmed. Unless something significant happened between 3/25 and 4/8/2007 that I’m not remembering, because that entire April is gone. Nothing I can place any sort of significance on anywhere, and only partial memories from things around those dates. I put in my notice at my job, prepared to travel to California to visit my family in May, didn’t have any issues with the boyfriend, didn’t have any issues with mom, lived in my own apartment, financially sound…. Seriously. There is nothing that I can recall that was in anyway traumatic or cause for severe repression.
Although the repression is severe enough that maybe it was so brutal it left its mark on me in other ways with physical memory sensations as opposed to genuine recall? I don’t know, but I sure wish I could figure it out because I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck and none of my usual coping strategies are working.