We have tears! We finally have tears! Celebration! 🎉🎉🎉
I spent the better part of the morning kidless, driving around, trying to trigger some sadness and tears. Which was a lot harder than I thought it would be considering the date and it’s significance in my life. Vague, I’m aware. It’s not really important what happened to give this day meaning, what’s important is that it’s been a difficult day for me in the past so I was hoping to use that energy to spur some emotions.
ANYWAY, so here I am driving all over creation visiting places that have inspired tears before with no results getting frustrated, and yet somewhat proud. I’m really glad I did for several reasons. A lot of the places I went, I hadn’t visited in the better part of a decade and it was some what comforting to see that they had changed over the course of time. For a while it felt like I was the only fluid changing thing, and all of the reminders were stuck in a time warp, like a snow globe painting the same picture across the ages. Seeing things finally progress, new coats of paint, renovations, fresh start businesses bringing life to tired neglected plazas really brought a sense of… Not exactly closure, it’s not the right word but pretty much the same concept.
I guess it put things in perspective, or maybe I’m just now seeing it from a different perspective. I’m finally aware of the passage of time. In the throes of PTSD you often lose time, both literally with missing chunks of memory, and figuratively with the way your body and mind process sensations and information post trauma. That’s why I’ve made such an effort to keep track of dates at least as much as I can. I don’t revel in my pain, I have to keep it close so it doesn’t get away from me. When everything feels like it happened yesterday, I have to click that check mark when dates pass to keep my perspective from slipping. Even if I’m not writing about events in detail anymore, I have to make note of them. It’s part of the process, but it doesn’t mean I’m stuck there.
I also found two places which I have memories associated with, but had never really taken the time to look for. That happened completely by accident. Lol. I started my journey heading to a specific place, only to find it closed for renovations. Then I missed my turn trying to get back to the main road, and got all sorts of turned around. What does one do when I get all turned around? Do I consult a map, or my GPS? Psssssht. No, I just keep driving until things look familiar again.
Which turned into a happy accident as I rounded a corner looking for landmarks and stumbled headlong into the one place that barely changed. I recognized it immediately and made a mental note of the intersection as I drove though so I could come back to it later. Then as I was looking for a place to turn around I wandered into the second place which had escaped my memory until just recently actually. I remembered the event taking place there, but not how I got there.
Not in the sense of: oh things are so overwhelming and traumatic I don’t remember how I got here, but I hadn’t been driving that afternoon, nor was I doing anything particularly significant at the time so I didn’t pay attention to how we got there. It was one of those weird little mundane memories that your brain grabs and hangs onto, subconsciously understanding that something poingant has just happened, but gets lost in the shuffle of every other mundane thing before and after.
Why it was important is significant only to myself so not going into details there either, but upon finding it I felt this wave of emotions wash over me. I can’t really describe it, but it was like the last piece of a very long and tedious puzzle fell into place. All of my fractured memories were whole again. I didn’t even feel the need to return to the previous place I’d found, and instead continued on heading for home.
Once I found my way back to a place where I had my bearings again, I switched up my driving play list. I had been listening to all the sad songs I could find in my library, but after my epiphany or whatever I didn’t feel the need to. I hit discover; then shuffle bringing me all sorts of music I’d never heard before. That’s when this song shuffled in, Samurai Boy by Tove Styrke. I was only half paying attention at first until the second verse and following chorus:
I got guns in my symphony
It sounds like a melody
I fell down down
From a cherry tree
Into your arms
Oh Lord, oh Lord can you hear my voice?
Keep looking out for my samurai boy.
That piqued my interest in the rest of the song, and I hit repeat. Listening to the entire song, I started sobbing. For no particular reason aside from the beauty of the song. I love the way it’s left open to interpretation. You don’t know who this samurai boy is, and what role he really played in her life but she wants him to be safe. It’s unique in that these days most songs are either written about obsessive codependent love, or broken hearts and revenge. Not this one, which makes it beautiful and inspired the return of my feels.
Took them long enough!!