Searching Sadness

Now this is a weird place to be. Due to all of the insanity that’s happened after the Twins arrived I’ve flipped into survival mode, completely repressing all of my emotions. They are there, trying to bubble up to the surface, but the switch simply will not flip. I’ve been near tears for weeks, yet nothing is tipping me over the edge to a good long hard cry. I need that. It’s actually been prescribed by my therapist. Gotta cry. The problem is, my usual go to tear inducing things (books, movies, etc) are no longer working. I got too good at controlling those negative emotions, and went full bore back into repression. NOT dissociation because I’m aware of what happened, and I’m not altering the reality of the situation to avoid my emotions. Repression. An emotion will bubble up to the surface and in flies survivor mode shooting it down and locking it away before it has a chance to get out.

So, I’m on a mission to find something sad to safely trigger my sadness, fear, frustration, and every other emotion that’s gotten stuffed under the surface in recent months. This is like the anti-mission. Everyone wants to be happy, so trying to find things that make people sad in a healthy nondestructive way is proving to be a rather difficult task. It’s also given me some more insight into the darker side of myself which I’m not entirely thrilled with. 

I’m looking for something to make me cry, and the only things I can think of immediately are things that cause profound emotional pain. Not depression, not melancholy, not sadness, but pain. Apparently, much like physical pain brings out the beast, only emotional pain will bring out the tears. That’s a little eff’d up. No, that’s a lot eff’d up. Not exactly surprising since I grew up in an abusive home where I wasn’t allowed to feel anything, and constantly under a barrage of emotional attacks. Still… 

It’s also very dangerous. I’ve come so far in terms of recovering from my past missteps, inflicting a crap load of both physical and emotional pain onto myself. I don’t want to use that as a crutch to make myself feel whatever it is I need to feel. That ship has sailed. We’re done with that. Although learning more about my relationship with pain as a catalyst for all the feels, I can at least understand why I held on to those painful experiences for so damn long. Honestly it even explains how I wound up in all of those situations in the first place.

Hmm… This has been one of those times where therapy has been enormously beneficial as far as growth, and healing etc. Yet, a bit disturbing.