I saw a side of myself rarely seen these days, especially after working so hard to overcome it. I’ve always compared my trauma persona to the Hulk. Mostly because it’s an easy metaphor for people to understand how tiny, sweet, mild manored Kelli can fight her way out of dangerous situations. But in reality it’s much deeper than that.
Now it takes an EXTRAORDINARY set of very specific circumstances for it to come out, but it does. Each time the period between events gets longer. It’s been years, but it’s so unpredictable. No one has to worry about it unless they plan on physically hurting me. That’s the clincher to Kelli’s Hulk Rage: painful physical contact. Which is what makes it so damn unpredictable. If I was expecting to get hurt I wouldn’t Hulk out.
It comes with the PTSD territory. Survival mode kicks in and this completely different personality takes hold who’s soul purpose is to keep me safe and alive. Survival Kelli is scary, and I absolutely hate the fact that this part of me exists. I mean it comes in handy in life threatening situations, but carrying it around all the time weighs on my soul. I just want to avoid everyone and everything that could potentially bring it out, and even doing that, knowing what sets it off, I can’t avoid it completely.
It’s always accidents now. Something will slip, or Hubs will get caught in the blankets and lose his grip, or my Little will get too boisterous playing and hit me with something. No one is actually after me lashing out in anger anymore, but my brain hasn’t distinguished between the two with the presence of pain. I’m not entirely sure that it ever will.
Plus after the logical part of my brain catches up with the survival part, it triggers such a horrible bout of depression, which often comes with flash backs and intrusive thoughts. Ten minutes or so of intense rage is balanced with two or three days of migraine and depression.
It will all pass, and everything will balance back out. The look of shock and concern on Hubs’ and my Little’s face will just get tossed on top of the pile of intrusive thoughts, where it will remind me once again that I have this thing haunting me no matter how well I’m able to control all of my other symptoms. The sleeping beast.