Creeping Depression

Not surprisingly, after all of the medical fiascos I’ve been through with the Twins I’ve found myself in the midst of a creeping depression. It doesn’t come up until after I take the kids to the doctor, but it’s there running under the surface. It gets a little worse with each passing appointment so I know there’s really something else going on. It’s just a matter of figuring out what exactly that something else is and how to correct it.

Yesterday I took little B2 in for his monthly blood work. It will be a regular occurrence in our lives until he’s three years old. Even though it’s a necessary evil, needed to check his hormones levels and regulate his medication dosage, I absolutely hate taking him in. That, and every time after watching my child in pain, the depression is really poignant. After his appointment all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry/sleep the rest of the day, snuggled up with my sick kiddos. Which is pretty much what I did, neglecting the house work and meal prep.

There’s definitely some lingering feelings somewhere that I’ve buried in the whirlwind of everything, so it’s off to my therapist to figure it out. It’s been seven months since my last appointment which is the longest stretch of time I’ve ever had since starting my recovery. That’s a huge win over all. Even more exciting the reasons driving me to the office this time are completely different from what’s sent me to seek help in the past. Plus, I really don’t feel all that unstable. It’s more of a preemptive thing. I want to go and deal with it BEFORE I have a breakdown and can’t handle it. 

In other news, Hubs is having dental surgery next week pretty much destroying all plans we had for Valentines Day, and our anniversary this year… Well Valentines Day for sure, maybe our anniversary depending on how long it takes him to heal. Which would be a lot faster if he didn’t smoke, but that argument is like beating a dead horse with him, sooooooo… I’ll be valentining alone this year. No, not alone, I’ll be valentining with my kids somewhere for the evening giving Hubs a chance to rest and recover.

I was a little disappointed when he told me, but he really does need the work done. He needed it done last year but with preparing for the Twins we didn’t have the time or extra cash on hand. He is in physical pain at the moment. He needs it done. I was just looking forward to a quiet happy date night with him for each of those events. We don’t get a lot of time together as it is with the hours he puts in at work, and with two extra kids even our time at home isn’t truly alone ever. Right now one kid is always awake. Lol. 

We are having the most difficult time trying to find baby sitters too here recently. Which annoys me for several reasons. A) Hubs’ family is always offering to watch the kids until we actually make plans, then they aren’t available. B) No one really wants to watch all of them at once, because infants are challenging in multiples of 1. Having two at the same time intimidates people.

I guess it is kind of a lot to ask of someone. Since I’m at home with all of them every day I guess I forget how daunting the task of watching them actually is. Although I will say trying to balance my time between the three of them and a smidge for myself is pretty much impossible. This is why Hubs and I are trying to have more date nights. 

I can count on one hand the number of times Hubs and I have gone out since we had Little almost four years ago. Of course there was about a year where we didn’t really like each other very much, but still! Now that we’ve finished building our family, I really want to focus more on us as a couple. We only have 18 years to be in charge of our children, then we’re stuck with each other until death. 18 years is just a drop in the bucket comparatively. We need to build our relationship. 

But first, we need to find some one to watch the kids. Lol.

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