I think I’ve gone and destroyed my creativity. NaNoWriMo is proving to be exceptionally difficult this year after I’ve spent so much time on my recovery. The creative spark simply isn’t there anymore. Well I’m sure it’s in there somewhere, but I’ve been so busily trying to establish truth in my memories and stay grounded in reality over the past two years in an attempt to heal I really haven’t allowed myself to be creative as far as writing goes.
Looking back at some of my creative writing it was always an extension of myself. My protagonists were always experiencing out of control things, deeply emotional, and a little bit off. They were on a journey much like myself. It was easy to sort of remove myself from the picture and create these other strong characters to do things I was too afraid or unable to do, but now that I’ve conquered many of my own demons the inspiration for any sort of creative writing also went right out the window.
Usually my blog posts average anywhere from 500-1500 words daily depending on the topic and how invested I am in conveying my opinions, but my first attempt at a truly original piece of fiction in several years is stammering along at maybe 400 words a day if I’m lucky. This is NaNoWriMo we’re talking about here too. Nothing matters as far as structure, correct grammar, or anything else. The entire point of the project is to simply get words out of your head and onto the paper/screen. I have higher standards when writing my posts here than I do for my first NaNo drafts, and still… I’m stuck.
Which does actually make a lot of sense. If I had been using my creative writing to dissociate from painful memories that I no longer have to dissociate from, I’m going to have to find a new source of motivation. A much more healthy source of motivation mind you, but a new source none the less. I suppose that’s not really a bad thing, aside from messing up my NaNo’ing plans. It’s not like I actually win anything for writing 50k words now that I’ve already purchased the discounted software, and have the nifty little PDF certificates, but I enjoyed having the goal to work towards and the sense of accomplishment that came with it.
Although it could just be pregnancy brain, since I’ve been in a bit of a blogging funk recently too. Perhaps my mind is just too preoccupied with other things to really buckle down and focus on writing at all, let alone creative writing? Who knows?! lol. There is just one frustrated Kelli over here trying to figure out where my words have gone. I miss them.