Yesterday I had an awful day. Waking up at 4am for no immediately decernable reason wrought with anxiety, and continuing to have random bawling fests through out the day, A lot of it seems to be my hormones as I’m finishing up the second trimester of my pregnancy, but there was something else. A nagging note of memory that I couldn’t quite place my finger on. Thanks to blogging and Facebook’s new memories on this date feature I finally figured it out. A seemingly trivial event apparently had more of an effect on me that I originally thought, because while it had become completely removed from my conscious mind, my subconscious mind was not having any of it.
As soon as I was able to pinpoint where the anxious feelings were coming from they quickly subsided, it just kind of took me by surprise. Here I am plodding along having an over all good day, in a quite long good streak when suddenly the PTSD attacks! lol. I joke about it now having it mostly under control, but it really is no laughing matter. Especially since the particular event itself was fairly trivial. The only reason it stuck with me is because it became highly emotional, nearly a month after the fact. So logically I would expect to be freaking out about it next month, not on the day it actually happened. In fact, if I hadn’t had it written down I probably never would have remembered it in the first place.
Which raises another question… I’ve always been under the impression that writing down my memories or overly emotional events as they come to the surface has been immensely helpful in my recovery and control of my symptoms, but if writing it down solidifies it into my memory is it really helpful or hurtful? Or was it because I didn’t take the time to really deal with all of the emotional aspects simply writing it off as “trivial” that it got stuck with me? I’ll have to make an appointment and ask my therapist. I’ve made so much progress this year I really don’t want to do anything to hinder that.
Of course a lot of it is beyond my control due to the disorder itself, but I want to make sure it is just the disorder and not something that I can change in my methods or strategy. This little attack was fairly easy to manage, but I don’t want something bigger to crop up on the horizon if it can be prevented. Especially with my postpartum period looming, and all of the hormonal crap that comes with that. One step at a time. One step at a time.