To the Max

My poor Hubs is beginning to freak out the more things we prepare for the Twins. He’s been moody as he’s reaching his stress threshold, and his sleep patterns are all out of whack causing night terrors and various other sleep disturbances, which becomes a massive trigger for me since most of the truly horrible things that happened between myself and an ex happened during his sleep disturbances.

Needless to say, I haven’t been able to sleep very well recently either. When I’m not rousted awake by Hubs I’m having nightmares mixed with memories because he’s flailing around or talking. So far, I’ve been able to keep things in perspective so I haven’t really had any emotional fallout but each time it gets increasingly more difficult and I find myself slipping back into those memories which I don’t particularly care to relive anymore.

And the more exhausted I get the more easy it is to get lost in the past vs remaining in the present, especially in sleep. All sorts of whacky half memory half fiction dreams here recently. With my first Little I kept a dream diary, but I also hadn’t yet started my recovery so I was mostly collecting those dreams to decode the puzzle of my subconscious. Now that I understand how my brain is operating and why I find myself back to where I started, it’s much easier to just let them be. I don’t really feel the need to write them down or keep them anymore.

Which is a resounding GOOD thing in the middle of all of this, especially in the midst of pregnancy getting ransacked by hormonal imbalance, but it certainly doesn’t make it any easier to deal with especially since when I’m triggered in sleep it’s like someone pushes play on a projector (showing my age a bit there lol) and the entire slew of memories I have remaining from that period of my life play through my head, good and bad.

Of course I’m pretty much stuck. Hubs can’t help his sleep disturbances and I can’t help my triggers so… I’m not sure where this is going to go or what might happen over the course of the next few weeks. *dramatic music*