This made its way into my Facebook feed yesterday, a quote from a song I love but hadn’t listened to in ages. It’s been covered by so many people I’m not even sure who the original artist is, but I believe it’s Tears for Fears and the song is Mad World. The first time I heard it was actually watching the movie Donnie Darko, alone in my parent’s basement, at the height of my dissociative mental instability. I immediately connected with it, especially this particular line.
As I was gaining more independence and my narcissist mother was losing her control on me, life finally began to look up. The world was a vast new possibility, mine for the taking, and I thought I was happy on the current path my life was taking. Yet, no matter how good things got I was still crushed under the weight of my untreated disorders.
It was constantly one step forward and two steps back, extreme highs followed by crushing lows. I felt like there was so escape and I was doomed to an eternity of depressive emotional hell, taking every good thing in my life and clinging to it with a ferocity that scared most people only to eventually lose my grip to depression once again.
I felt myself physically beginning to fade away. Not only in the emotional sense where most of my turmoil was centered, but my body had been operating under such poor nutritional conditions that I was literally fading away in my late teens and early 20’s. The constant physical feeling of depletion, on top of ignored medical issues, and with a poor family health history I had pretty much resigned myself to believe I just didn’t have it in me to keep going much longer.
Of course, most of the problems I encountered were due to my own neglect and poor coping mechanisms, so when I started my recovery and made changes everything began to turn itself around. When I felt like I had a reason to live, it gave me a burst of vitality I didn’t know I had left in me. At the moment when this song had its greatest impact on my life, however, I hadn’t yet found it.
Sure I had hopes, dreams, and plans for the future (the best I’d ever had) but no matter how hard I tried they seemed to be forever out of my grasp. If I had continued on the path I found myself in during that period of my life I honestly can’t say that I would still be here today, a mere ten years later. I settled into a crappy job, a crappy relationship, and convinced myself that it was what I truly wanted because it’s all I had managed to muster up after fighting to survive my entire life.
Which, of course, is an incredibly backwards and unhealthy way to live ones life. But at the time even the things which were so awful for me, seemed to be so much better than the hell I endured through childhood. Now that I’ve been blessed with my recovery and current life situation I really don’t know what to do with myself. Lol. It’s surreal.
I’m glad I have the ability to look back and reflect on my journey, and I am forever grateful that the things I thought I wanted never panned out. It wasn’t my intention to find my way out of a misery I wasn’t even aware of, but as luck, fate, God, the Universe, would have it I stumbled out of it anyway. Even in the midst of a mad world.