I’ve been ranting about various companies and their shenanigans pretty much all week, but enough of that. Lol.
Today, I’m a bit flummoxed with my current physical status. I cut my gym time down from four days to three since I was starting to have some issues with Braxton Hicks contractions last week, yet for some reason my speed and endurance have continued to intensify. I mean I guess that’s the point of regular training, but it’s just weird to me that I’m improving even so greatly scaled from what I’m normally striving for. Especially in the cardio arena.
Cardio endurance has always been one of my weakest physical aspects. When your body is constantly on high alert and in a state of heightened stress (thanks a lot PTSD) pushing yourself even a little bit packs a whallop. That, and with all of my insides being rearranged by the Twins right now I should be having MORE difficulty not less.
It worries me because in addition to my body always being in a heightened state of stress, I also have difficulty regulating how far I push myself especially if I’m in a particularly feisty or angry mood when I happen to be working out. I over do it a lot and end up paying for it later. Not so much a problem when it’s just my own body that suffers, but growing two brand new bodies I have to be super careful.
Basically I’m being pessimistic again, much like I was with my weight gain. It’s an overwhelmingly good thing that I’m improving, it’s just unexpected and I’m having difficulty accepting it. Lol. I really have to work on that. There’s no reason to immediately assume all awesome things in my life come with some cosmic catch waiting around the corner, other than its how I was “programmed” by my mother, who was influenced by her mother before her, to think that way.
We were never allowed to be happy unless she was happy, which rarely if ever occurred, and often she viewed our own happiness with jealousy and did everything in her power to rob us of it. She still does to a certain degree, but it’s gotten much better now that we don’t live in the same space. Still, after growing up constantly being robbed of happiness and never truly allowed to appreciate the good things in life it’s difficult for me to celebrate my victories with out apprehension.
Which is ever so annoying to my friends and family. Lol. I’m working on it…